The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3/23/12
Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future! Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): By Wednesday, the death of Davy Jones from the Monkees will have finally sunk in – try to get past the crushing sense of hopelessness and despair. You can still believe in the daydreams! You can still believe in the daydreams!
Taurus (The Bull): When the FBI contacts you on Monday afternoon, remember to tell them you don’t read blogs. After that, stay cool for 20 hours and I’ll pay you 20 grand. Your high-risk disease this week: Angiostrongylus Vasorum.
Gemini (The Twins): Nice roof, but it would look better with a plum tree in the backyard. Tuesday will bring you a chance to get your engineering on – jump in with both hands, a foot, and a hammer. All your dreams this week will be naughty.
Cancer (The Crab): There’s a difference between liking things to flow along because you’re a water sign and being willing to drown your troubles in the local creek – that’s illegal. Just because you’re older than dinosaurs doesn’t mean you can’t change! When you see change this Sunday, take it. Your high-risk disease this week: Israeli Spotted Fever.
Leo (The Lion): This week, it’s all about the bacon – you may as well change your sign to Wilbur (The Pig) for all the greasy pork sammiches you’re going to eat between now and Thursday! Sagittarius plays a large part in your week.
Virgo (The Virgin): Over the weekend, you’re Alice in Wonderland. By Tuesday, you’re Katniss, and on Thursday you’re that chick from Twilight. It’s a slippery slope. Your high-risk disease this week: Tsutsugamushi Fever.
Libra (The Scale): This week will solidify your relationship with hamburgers, the front office admin assistant you’ve been hoping to sleep with, the Pampered Chef Catalog, and your mom. Remember to put your makeup on before you go to bed on Wednesday; you’re in for a hell of a dream!
Scorpio (The Scorpion): This is a good week for catching up on your sleep. You won’t, but this would be a good week for it if you did. Dream in red: bulls, vines, wines, and blood. Your high-risk disease this week: Bunchy Top Banana Disease.
Sagittarius (The Archer): This week, you will flirt with the idea of changing your name to Hernandez, with a guy pouring drinks, and with two nurses as they sedate you. Thursday, your lucky numbers are 18 and life.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): Tuesday’s Naked Day! Good luck will come to you if you wear the least amount of clothes you can this week – and none on Tuesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Cercospora Leaf Spot.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Your lucky notebook is Moleskin, but those blisters on your junk aren’t because you’re writing in it every day. Take this week to work on being the master of your domain, and see a doctor.
Pisces (The Fish): Those Hawaiian shirts won’t get you laid, but this is a good week for that hot air balloon ride you’ve been thinking about. It’s the closest you’ll come to getting high all week. Your high-risk disease this week: Chikungunya.
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