The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3/9/12

Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future!   Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!   

AriesAries (The Ram):  The last vestiges of your youthful naivete will be shattered this week like a wine glass falling to a concrete patio, splashing innocence and Cab Franc all over your clothing.  Ignore it like it never happened and order a fresh glass of wine.

TaurusTaurus (The Bull):  When your high-school career counselor told you you’d do well in a job where you could use your hands and your imagination, she didn’t really mean the 900 number you’re running as a side business.  Also, $4.99 a minute is a little steep – I’m never calling again.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Coffee Leaf Rust.

Gemini Gemini (The Twins):   You will focus both of your intellects this week, and together you will rule the world.  On Tuesday.  It’ll be the same old dichotomies on Wednesday, but still.  Also, I miss that hot little black number you used to wear.  Rrrrrr!

Cancer Cancer (The Crab):  By Monday, you’ll have realized that your worst fears could be true.  By Wednesday, you’ll be a shut-in, leaving your room only to eat and pee.  Your only hope is to remember that everyone else’s fears could be true too – we’re all just as screwed as you are.  Don’t sweat it.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Typhoid.

LeoLeo (The Lion):   The glorious rays of the sun give you an inner light.  This does not make you any more attractive to the opposite sex, it just gives you better night vision – you’re still an asshole in a bad suit.  Think about what you want this weekend, and then remember you’re about as likely to get it as Newt Gingrich’s next wife. 

Virgo Virgo (The Virgin):   There is no joy but the joy of work!  Do you know, there are wedding cake toppers made just for people like you – a bride at a desk.  Your organizational skills will not avail you.  Lighten up – do you want to be a Virgo forever?  Your high-risk disease this week:  Black Sigatoka Disease.

LibraLibra (The Scale):   Your graciousness embraces all humanity.  It won’t be enough.  Play the lottery on Thursday, though – you never know. 

ScorpioScorpio (The Scorpion):   You are driven by boundless energy and a desire to subjugate the weak.  I say, have at ’em – you can’t do any worse than the boneheads we’ve got now.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Canine Distemper.

Sagittarius Sagittarius (The Archer):  Most of the time, the people pissing you off don’t know they’re doing it.  You’re smarter than they are, so you should be in charge.  God is on your side – and if you don’t have a god, invent one.  You’re fucking Voltare, baby!

CapricornCapricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You’re as married to your work as that Virgo!  The two of you should work something out – corporates with benefits or something.   Aim for Monday to lay your plans.  Aim for Wednesday to pick up the pieces and start again.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Campylobacteriosis.

AquariusAquarius (The Water Bearer):   Your need to socialize will be your undoing – when the Zombie hordes start marauding, you’ll be at the mall, people watching, won’t you?  “Braaaains…”  You can start practicing saying that now. 

PiscesPisces (The Fish):   You’re an overemotional dilettante with a penchant for make-believe and a tropism for bookstores.  Get over your bad self.  Tuesday’s a good day to work on that short story.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Streptococcal Scarlet Fever.


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