The Hobbesian Horoscope, 3/9/12
Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future! Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!
Aries (The Ram): The last vestiges of your youthful naivete will be shattered this week like a wine glass falling to a concrete patio, splashing innocence and Cab Franc all over your clothing. Ignore it like it never happened and order a fresh glass of wine.
Taurus (The Bull): When your high-school career counselor told you you’d do well in a job where you could use your hands and your imagination, she didn’t really mean the 900 number you’re running as a side business. Also, $4.99 a minute is a little steep – I’m never calling again. Your high-risk disease this week: Coffee Leaf Rust.
Gemini (The Twins): You will focus both of your intellects this week, and together you will rule the world. On Tuesday. It’ll be the same old dichotomies on Wednesday, but still. Also, I miss that hot little black number you used to wear. Rrrrrr!
Cancer (The Crab): By Monday, you’ll have realized that your worst fears could be true. By Wednesday, you’ll be a shut-in, leaving your room only to eat and pee. Your only hope is to remember that everyone else’s fears could be true too – we’re all just as screwed as you are. Don’t sweat it. Your high-risk disease this week: Typhoid.
Leo (The Lion): The glorious rays of the sun give you an inner light. This does not make you any more attractive to the opposite sex, it just gives you better night vision – you’re still an asshole in a bad suit. Think about what you want this weekend, and then remember you’re about as likely to get it as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.
Virgo (The Virgin): There is no joy but the joy of work! Do you know, there are wedding cake toppers made just for people like you – a bride at a desk. Your organizational skills will not avail you. Lighten up – do you want to be a Virgo forever? Your high-risk disease this week: Black Sigatoka Disease.
Libra (The Scale): Your graciousness embraces all humanity. It won’t be enough. Play the lottery on Thursday, though – you never know.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You are driven by boundless energy and a desire to subjugate the weak. I say, have at ’em – you can’t do any worse than the boneheads we’ve got now. Your high-risk disease this week: Canine Distemper.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Most of the time, the people pissing you off don’t know they’re doing it. You’re smarter than they are, so you should be in charge. God is on your side – and if you don’t have a god, invent one. You’re fucking Voltare, baby!
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You’re as married to your work as that Virgo! The two of you should work something out – corporates with benefits or something. Aim for Monday to lay your plans. Aim for Wednesday to pick up the pieces and start again. Your high-risk disease this week: Campylobacteriosis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Your need to socialize will be your undoing – when the Zombie hordes start marauding, you’ll be at the mall, people watching, won’t you? “Braaaains…” You can start practicing saying that now.
Pisces (The Fish): You’re an overemotional dilettante with a penchant for make-believe and a tropism for bookstores. Get over your bad self. Tuesday’s a good day to work on that short story. Your high-risk disease this week: Streptococcal Scarlet Fever.
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