Here it is already Friday – another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week.
Aries (The Ram): You read too much, both into things and just in terms of books. There is no deeper meaning, that cigar is just a cigar, and you’re a pervert. Next week may suck for you, sports fan – don’t bet on the basketball games.
Taurus (The Bull): Good call getting out of the way of that Sagittarius who wants your job. The boss will fire someone next week; let it be someone else. I know it looks good on you, but don’t wear the red shirt to the office. Your high-risk disease this week: Fox variant rabies.
Gemini (The Twins): You should prepare for some serious calisthenics in the bedroom – limber up, you might be in for an all-nighter! Your lucky numbers are 18 and over and your safeword is “harder!”
Cancer (The Crab): Don’t beer the fear, and don’t fear the beer. You had a lousy week last week; next week will bring no change. Take off the tie and slip into your stained boxers, get comfortable and drink until you forget how to open them. Your high-risk disease this week: Poliomyelitits… Of the liver, of course!
Leo (The Lion): You need a new toilet. Get the one where the lid automatically opens whenever you approach the toilet; it’ll freak out your pets. Besides, what were going to spend that $5000 on anyway? Don’t you think your ass is worth it? The Toto Neorest 600 is the last shitter you’ll ever buy, and you need it this week.
Virgo (The Virgin): You will go to the Diner. You will have the veal. Guilt will shame your week next week, three days out of four. When you have trouble sleeping, remember I told you so. Your high-risk disease this week: Bluetounge.
Libra (The Scale): Wednesday, something will happen. You’ve waited so long. You think you’re ready? I guess you’ll see. Oh, yeah, and it’ll happen at the McDonalds, so bring some cash and a box of baby wipes.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You missed a spot. You’ll be sledding down snow covered hills, catching mighty air and looking cooler than you’ve ever been, but no one will care because you missed a spot. OCD is not a bad thing. Your high-risk disease this week: West Nile.
Sagittarius (The Archer): You are the Tiger burning bright in the night’s forest. Your fearful symmetry is framed only by Prada, Manolo Blahnik, and the awesome power of your death glare. Your week might suck, but your month will not.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): This weekend you will stumble across the world’s most expensive guitar pick at a yard sale, but you won’t buy it. Your week goes downhill in a midnight slide to booze and pills as you realize your mistake. Your high-risk disease this week: Brucellosis.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You need a nap, but you’re not going to get one. You need a few grand, too, and that’s not coming either. Resign your life to “good enough” and save yourself a lot of time. Your lucky number this week is fuggetaboudit.
Pisces (The Fish): You are back, baby, and next week, you’re loving it. Until about 2 pm on Tuesday, then it’s back on your head, and boring people with your new talking clock. Really, no one cares. Your high-risk disease this week: Bacterial Tomato Wilt.