Big Ugly Man Doll

So there I was, minding my own business, when Number-One Son ordered me to listen to him read from the book that SOBUMD and I got him when we were in NYC this weekend. First thing to note is that when I walk downstairs and find him watching TV, he’s usually watching the Discovery Health channel – so the idea that we got him "The Visual Dictionary of the Human Body" from the Eyewitness Visual Dictionary series isn’t as farfetched as it might seem.

When SOBUMD got her hands on the long-awaited seventh book, "Harry Potter and the Shakespearian Ending," she immediately flipped to the end and read the last chapter first. Some people just do that – I used to think it was a nurture thing, but Number-One Son skips around a lot in books as well. Might be genetic.

Speaking of genetic, what do you think you would find at the end of The Visual Dictionary of the Human Body? Right. Give an eight-year-old boy a book – any book, shape, size, length, author, and topic notwithstanding – and in about 7 seconds he’s going to find you every instance of any mention of The Reproductive Organs.

(There are entire search engines based on the ability of eight-year-old boys to find the word "penis" in literature.)

"Daddy, you *have* to see this. Come here." I sit down, and he starts reading to me about the different parts of the tongue. So far, so good. He explains that the back section of his tongue, where we taste bitter foods, is where he tastes mint – which is why he doesn’t like it. "Well OK," says I, getting up to leave.

"No, wait, you have to see this too! [flip, flip, flip] The Reproductive System!"

Oh boy. And my eight-year-old son, cheerfully sitting next to me on the couch and pointing at the picture of the cutaway cock, starts reading:

"Sex organs located in the pelvis create new human lives. Each month a ripe egg is released from one of the female’s ovaries into a fallopian tube leading to the uterus (womb), a muscular pear-sized organ. A male produces minute tadpole-like sperm in two oval glands called testes. When the male is ready to release sperm into the female’s vagina, many millions pass into his urethra and leave his body through the fleshy penis. The sperm travel up the… Daddy, what’s so funny? Why are you laughing?"

Oh. My. God.

To my credit, I didn’t *really* lose it until he said "vag-EEN-a" with a hard "g". The Fa Lupé ion tube, the utter-us, and the OvAre Es, those were funny, yes, but I was able to hold it together and just correct his pronunciation. But the Vag-een-a, followed closely by the fleshy penis… I just doubled over. Never mind that he’s eight, has NO idea what he’s talking about, and is, I hope, at least 12 years away from finding out that when the male is ready to release sperm into the female’s vag-EEN-a, many dollars pass through his wallet before any sperm pass through his fleshy penis.

I’m just glad I didn’t have to listen to him try to pronounce clitoris, I’d’ve needed an inhaler.

Next time, I’m getting him the goddamn Star Wars book.

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