Big Ugly Man Doll

And this is it.  Merry Christmas, and thank you all for reading, singing, and moaning along with my pain as we got through another round of holidays.  May your days be merry and bright, and may your ears not have to suffer any more than average until next year.

Here they are again, quickly.  Get it over with:

• Baby It’s Cold Outside (the Date Rape Song)
• Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks
• Mistletoe, Justin Bieber
• Happy Christmas / War is Over, John and Yoko
• We Need a Little Christmas
• Our Love is Like a Holiday, Michael Bolton
• Santa’s Beard, Beach Boys
• It’s a Marshmallow World, Dean Martin
• Feed the World, Band Aid
• Jingle Bells, Barking Dogs
• Dominick the Donkey
• It’s the Holiday Season, Williams Bros
• Last Christmas, Wham!
• 12 Days of Christmas
• All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
• I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas
• Holly Jolly Christmas, Burl Ives
• Santa Baby
• Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo, South Park
• Merry Christmas Darling, Karen Carpenter
• Stille Nacht, David Hasselhoff
• White Christmas, Lady Gaga
• It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Andy Williams

We close this list, saving, yes, the worst for the last.  You knew it was coming.  You always new.  Do you know, do you know, do you know what’s wrong with Christmas music?   Is it the shoes?

Christmas Shoes.  Look, as my good friend Shrek might have said, no dead chicks in the holiday songs.  No maudlin mommas meeting Jesus allowed.  Grandma, sure, she was killed by a reindeer, coming home from our house Christmas eve, but that’s it.  

I want to buy these shoes for my Mama,
there’s not much time,
I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Christmas Shoes is the worst Holiday Song in the world.  It’s so bad, it’s actually self-referential:  It’s like listening to Christmas Shoes.   If your momma meets Jesus tonight, kid, he’s not going to worry about what she’s wearing, and you know the only thing she’s going to worry about is Am I Wearing Clean Underpants?  You’re better off buying her some painkillers, really.  Can you imagine her reaction, opening that box?  “Oh, little Billy, thanks for these – they look great!  Too bad I’m never getting up again, Billy.  Could you push this button for me, a couple times, to kick-start the morphine drip again, Billy?  Thank you, there’s a good boy.”   Who wrote this?  Turns out, it was a group called NewSong.  Here’s a hint – how about a new, new song?  Because this one sucks.  Even Gawker says so – and I notice (with some pride, I have to add) that their list overlaps with mine in many places.

Some people call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. Some people call it the Holiday Blues.  We know better.  It’s the Christmas Shoes Effect, and it’s depressing as all hell.  Sad, Sad, Sad.  And, because you didn’t think it could get worse, it does.  Because the video has Rob Lowe in it.  You know, because we really needed Rob Lowe to show us how bad it can get around the holidays. 

So click.  Let me know if you get past the first 30 seconds.   And remember, here at the end of this list, here at the end of the Christmas season, after our orgies of destruction and wrapping paper, that we do this to ourselves.  Each year, we have heard these songs, and we have inflicted them on others – we have only ourselves to thank.

Merry Christmas!

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