Counting Sheep


When you’re as big and as ugly as I am, it comes as a surprise to some people that I actually sleep in a bed. (Of course, I only sleep for 2 hours and 17 minutes every 26.5 hours, but still.)   Anyway, if you’re like me – and I am not for one minute suggesting that you are – it’s possible that you, too, sleep in a bed. With a mattress.
It may have sheets. 
And if you do sleep in a bed, and it does have sheets, then this post is for you, Gentle Reader. The rest of you are invited to observe only.
Most sheets are made from mattress-repellent fibers, which makes them excellent for use while hiking in the marshes of Squornshellous Zeta, but less effective for covering standard bedding on much of the Sealy, Serta, Simmons, and Tempur-Pedic planets nearer our own sun. In fact, you have likely woken up more than once to find yourself with your face pressed to a bare mattress, sheets wrapped around your ankles, wondering what happened. At least one of those times, you didn’t also wake up wearing “loud shoes” and having an “inexplicable” headache. It was just that the sheets were trying to kill you. 
Yes, those lovely percale cotton bitches with the flower pattern that doesn’t really go with the drapes as well as you think it does, those things want to kill you. I’m convinced that when you’re not home, all the bed sheets bunch themselves up, grab the remote, and turn on Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel movies. (I’m certain that explains the pay-per-view charges. And who knew sheets like porn? You’d think they’d have seen, well, anyway that’s odd.)
So, since the sheets won’t stay on the bed for the 2 or so hours that I’m relaxing (with my eyes open, of course!), I’ve tried a few tricks to keep the fitted sheets firmly attached to the mattress. I will share them with you now:
  1. Straps
  • Effectiveness: Not Very Effective
  • Downsides: These are single-purpose straps meant to clip the sheets to the mattress. The sheets viewed them as “single use” and fed them to the dust bunnies when I was sleeping. I never found them again.
  1. Superglue
  • Effectiveness: Very Effective
  • Downsides: High cost of THAT much glue makes this an expensive option. The glue did seem to stun the sheets. Also, wait until the glue dries before getting into the bed. I cannot emphasize this enough.
  1. Staples 
  • Effectiveness: That Was Easy (But Only Moderately Effective)
  • Downsides: The sheets were able to turn many of the staples during the night, so that they either let the sheets pass or, in several cases, actively participated in the cause. I woke up wrapped and bleeding, looking far too much like Christ at about the 10th station than I prefer. 
  1. Duct Tape 
  • Effectiveness: Moderately Effective
  • Downsides: Since “percale” is actually French for “Teflon” the sheets were too slippery for even the inimitable Duct Tape to adhere well. I had to wrap the whole bed, getting the roll of tape under the mattress (between the mattress and the floor). Needless to say, I promptly got a call from the ASPCA about my heartless murder of 3,472 dust bunnies who had been building a culture of values, harmony, and understanding under my bed until they got stuck to the tape. I say fuck ‘em.
  1. Fire 
  • Effectiveness: Abject Failure
  • Downsides: This attempt didn’t go so well. The only things to survive in the room, in fact, were the fireproof sheets (which did NOT melt into the mattress like I’d hoped they would) and 2 cockroaches, who got high while watching 862 dust bunnies shrieeeeeeeeek as they hopped around, lighting each other on fire trying to get out. I had to buy a new Sertans-Pedic. 
  1. Quikrete 
  • Effectiveness: Moderately Effective
  • Downsides: Hard, and itchy if you get in before it’s cooled. Also, as with the glue – don’t test it until it’s hardened. Believe me. Just take my word for it. 
  1. Negotiation 
  • Effectiveness: Abject Failure
  • Downsides: I asked the sheets what they wanted. They showed me a book entitled “To Serve Man”. Bitches.
  1. Couch 
  • Effectiveness: Very Effective
  • Downsides: I just bought that new Sertans-Pedic. Besides, the dust bunnies miss me. The cockroaches told them that the sheets lie, in exchange for me dropping a few buds now and then. 
If you have any ideas that have worked for you, or that you think might be worth a try, I want to hear from you. 
Because I can hear the sheets giggling. 

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