Things That Make America Great (or, Dialing Up My Big Ugly Nuts)

11 July, 2008 | | 1 Comment

There are two things I feel I should share with you today, two things that exemplify different parts of what makes America great.  

First, I give you – the entrepreneur. Nothing says “American Dream” like the Ka-Ching! of someone making money out of thin air. In this case, David Feingold of San Diego is establishing himself as a true patriot, in that he’s making money by making fun of American politicians. This article in the Sun-Times mentions that Feingold hit the jackpot unexpectedly the other day, since he runs a candy shop at, selling (you guessed it) chocolate nuts. (An equal opportunity offender, he had been selling “McCain’s dried papaya stick” until wholesale prices got too high.)

Jackpot, you ask? Oh, you can probably guess – that’s right, the Jessie Jackson Jackass Jackpot. Jessie can’t figure out not to say things like “I want to cut his nuts off” to a JOURNALIST while wearing a MICROPHONE, and then has the gall to be surprised when it makes news. Throw in the Google factor with 10 million searches for “Obama’s Nuts,” and Feingold finds himself at the top of the hit count heap.

Is this a great country, or what?

OK, next reason to be proud of our country: Its rich cultural and technical heritage allows for a wide range of references, which leads to more things being funny! (And as we all remember from the recent Hollowwood Writer’s Strike, when we lose the funny, the terrorists win!) This point was brought home to me this morning in my effort to become a Smaller Ugly Man Doll.

SOBUMD has found an ancient secret to lose weight, which I will share with you now. (Eat less and exercise more.) To this effect she found a plan for a 100-pushup challenge, and we’re well on our way to doing 100 pushups. By which, of course, I mean we’re up to 5. The plan lists the following sets of repetitions for today: 5 pushups, then 4, then 4, then 3, then as many as you can before you collapse in a heap.

I got to explain that this was easy to remember with a telephonic mnemonic, since it was like dialing an old-time phone number: 5-4-4-3-HEAP. How many? 5-4-4-3-HEAP! That’s right, just dial up the muscles and dial down the fat the Charles Atlas way, call today: 5-4-4-3-HEAP!

See? If we’d never had telephones, that wouldn’t have been nearly as funny.

Now once I get to 100 pushups, I’ll be ready for my photo-ops when some whack job starts marketing my Big Ugly nuts…

1 comment
  1. NancyP says:

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