ManFAQ Friday: Peter Piper Packed a Pair of Pullovers, and Not Much Else.
It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?
Question: I don’t understand why I’ve got two suitcases and a bag, and he’s only got a small bag. We’re going to the same place, for the same time. WTF, over?
Answer: There are a lot of forces at play here. First, I have to tell you that the urge to ask why you NEED two suitcases and a bag is nearly overwhelming, but of course I’m blessed with an iron will, and shall forbear against this base urge.
Now, men the world round may hunt me down for letting this cat out of the suitcase, but I should let you know that your answer is actually zipped up within your question. Take a look at what you’ve packed. Look closely. How much of that stuff you need to bring is either ours, or stuff that you’re bringing because we’re coming with you?
Right. Of course he’s only got a carry-on. You’re probably lugging around half his shorts, his golf Polos, his hiking boots, spare watch, razor, second-best belt, that tie you got him at Nordstrom Rack on clearance, and the mini socket set that he brings everywhere like a security blanket from Craftsman. He’s carrying two pairs of boxers and a fez.
There are two other reasons that he travels lighter than you do, and I’m glad to report that these are fraught with somewhat less perfidy than the first – though perhaps with no less danger.
Have you ever opened one of those “fwock” roll containers, like you buy at the grocery store? You know, with the biscuits or rolls that you bake at 375 degrees for 12-15 minutes or until golden brown and delicious? Do you remember opening those, when you peel it a little way and then hit it against the counter or with a spoon and it goes “FWOCK” and pops open, usually spilling one of the damn biscuits on the floor and forcing you to decide which child has been the worst behaved this week?
Try opening that “little” bag he’s carrying. I’d recommend unzipping it a little way, then hitting it with a spoon. He doesn’t care that his shirts will come out looking like unbaked crescent rolls, his pants balled up like a Slinky with a bad hair day. It’ll come out in the wash – and we all know how that happens, don’t we?
The last reason is even more mundane, and as such is probably more often the truth than the others. We’re only bringing a few clothes because we’ll wear them a half-dozen times before it bothers us. Men who pack more are travelling with or travelling to women who will bust them for wearing the same clothes several days in row. Otherwise, we just don’t care.
If he really needs to bring that extra stuff, chances are he’ll figure out a way to ask you to pack it. You’re dealing with the same group of people who invented the idea of the caddy, after all. “Did you pack my yellow Polo shirt” sounds an awful lot like “I think the 9-iron, what do think?”
Now you know. Please, feel free to comment! Also, forward any questions you’d like answered to BUMD – at – biguglymandoll.com!
…And after being married long enough, your “caddy” gets so well-trained that her response to “Did you pack my deodorant?” is “Yeah, here.”
Instead of the far more reasonable response of “Why the h*** would I pack *your* deodorant?”
We’ve worked out an equitable system, though. He pays for the hotel room and meals. If you expect your servants to travel with you, you have to cover their travel expenses. :-)