ManFAQ Friday: Freud, Schmeud.
It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler. Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?
Question: Why do men tend to favor one breast over the other?
Answer: Now first, we need to establish our bounds for the question. For the purposes of this ManFAQ, I’m going to assume you don’t mean the fact that most of us favor the left breast of, say, Angelina Jolie, over the left breast of, say, Mother Teresa – which is, I hope, self-explanatory and does not require a ManFAQ answer. You’re asking, I’m guessing, why one of us malodorous males might favor your left one over your right, or vice versa.
Having thus established our bounds, not to mention establishing the fact that I probably don’t have any, I will endeavor to explain this behavior. For many, it’s merely a question of proximity. The Doobie Brothers were right in most of their particulars – if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. If we’re on one or the other side of you, guess which one we see first? Exactly. And once we start, you know, it’s rude to leave the dance with someone else. Try positioning yourself differently next time and see if he doesn’t switch.
If he does, though, he might be driven by older impulses. And by older, yes, I’m talking about his mother.
(Hold on a second.) Hey, Mom, look at these!
OK. I don’t care how well you cook, clean, or dress, you’re still living with his mom in the dark recesses of the fuzzy little piece of pocket lint he uses for a brain. If his mom always started him on the left one, he’ll never be able to remember or tell you why with his waking mind, but the lips don’t forget – and it’s your left one he starts with, every time, isn’t it? My old buddy Sigmund, mayherestinpeace, knew better than anyone – and brother, was he ever a neurotic one. “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” my ass.
Sorry, where was I? Oh, right, your breasts. Whoopsie. Certainly SOBUMD noticed that the kids “called their shots” while breastfeeding; one of them was on her right side, every time. Maybe the limited amount of booze SOBUMD drank back then pooled on that side, I dunno.
Now you know. I hope I’ve answered your question. I also hope you have more, because otherwise this may be the final ManFAQ. I’ll have to recap next week, and find something else to occupy the lonely hours following. It has been an honor, and I assure you, the pleasure was all mine.
Right……