Big Ugly Man Doll

I think I need to go double check the fine print on my freezer.  It’s supposed to keep things cold, yes.  Frozen, even.  And technically, it meets those specifications.

I bring my lunch to work, to ensure consistent quality instead of taking my chances with the local fare.  (Also, because I’m a Big Ugly Cheap Man Doll.)  And so in the morning, I go downstairs to the Great Ice Box and pull out a frozen something for lunch.  Luckily, they’re labeled (bringing a frozen Tupperware box of chicken stock for lunch can be off-putting).  This morning, for example, I brought a container marked Gumbo.

(I digress here to mention that why yes, I am the envy of my office when I eat lunch.)

Heating my lunch in the office microwave, however, is an exercise in patience.  I can heat water in this thing in under 45 seconds – it’s a reasonably powerful microwave.   (It can kill cockroaches – it’s that good.)   But the Gumbo – and anything else I bring in, including, say, chicken stock – takes 10 minutes or longer.  I stop and stir in the middle of it, I scrape around the edges – and the food spins around in the microwave.  Sometimes the Zip-top of the “microwave and dishwasher safe” plastic box starts to melt.  The food, though, having been frozen to a standard not usually seen outside Class 4 bio-hazard facilities, stays cool.

I’m worried that I accidentally sold my soul to the freezer.  Come to think of it, I did cut myself putting it in – could it have considered that to be a blood pact between us?  The food’s been getting colder and I’ve been feeling more and more tired in the past few months… 

Yeah, I’d better check the fine print on the manual.

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