Monday, Miles 821 – 1200.
Destination: Home
Distance: 380 miles

Our road trip ended the way it started, with a Waffle House. Our waitress was a dusky-eyed, tattooed beauty named Carol, and she clearly owns the place. Perhaps not literally, but she knew everyone on both sides of the counter, all the orders, all the drinks, and every word to every song I played on the jukebox. I’m not sure what a girl has to do to look “dusky-eyed” at 0730 in the morning, but she did it.

Sunday, Miles 614 – 820.
Destination: Bowling Green, OH.
Distance: 207 miles

The imperative in the morning is to get food into Number One Son, so that he can have his medicine, which has been proven to dramatically increase the lifespan of children with his conditions, especially when driving long distances with them in the car.

Saturday: Operation Wedding

“The two flames are the two people getting married, and they’re being married into a single new flame together, as a married unit – a single spiritual being in the eyes of god. Or, it may signify the bikini waxing the bride got yesterday for the wedding night.”

Friday, Miles 293 – 613.
Destination: Chicago.
Distance: 321 Miles

It’s also easy to tell when your kids have been hanging out with their Grandfather – anything with an automated voice system, like a GPS, gets named Bitchin’ Betty. This stems from the early automated aviation advisory voices in Viet Nam-era aircraft (and continuing today) that would tell a pilot “Low on Fuel” or “Watch out for that Mountain.”

Thursday, Miles 42 – 292.
Destination: Twinsburg, OH.
Distance: 250 Miles

Snow Crash is about computers and hacking; Fool is a game of Grand Theft Auto mashed up with Shakespeare at his pornographic best – medieval porn and gratuitous murder, yeah baby!