Big Ugly Man Doll

Recovering from pneumonia, I’m finding, is a lot like Hyperbole and a Half’s problems with surpassing her capacity for responsibility. I get to the office, filled with something resembling energy and a modicum of stamina, sufficient to get me through to about lunch.  Like Allie at the start of her productivity cycle, “I will do ALL the Things!”

Do ALL the Things! (From Hyperbole and a Half)

I sit at my desk, blasting through email like dynamite through a mountain, carving tunnels of solutions through problems of granite. I fight fires, I shape strategies, I sit in judgment. I do ALL the Things! And my lungs feel good, and I’m not coughing any more, and I’m not congested, and I’m not in pain, and I’m not in a pleasant drug-induced fog. I’m back, baby.

And then I roll a few things off the printer down the way by the microwave, and I stand up to run and get them. And there’s nothing there. No gas, hold the desk a moment, and start the slow shuffle over toward the printer. I cannot tell you how irritating this is. I have been, for a long time, a lethargic bum who gets no exercise – but that was by design, my choice, not because of a lack of energy. Energy has always been there when I needed it.

Do ALL the things? (From Hyperbole and a Half)

Now, by about 3:30 in the afternoon, I return to Hyperbole and a Half.  “Do ALL the things?”

Ooof. I’m beat.

I don’t think I can do all the Things today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do more Things.

All done now.

.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   Why are guys such big babies when they’re sick?

Answer:    This is actually pretty straightforward.  It’s a case of … um, hold on just a second.

Hey Mom – click over here!  Shiny! 

OK.  This is a straightforward Oedipal complex.  Most guys turn into big blubbering babies when they’re sick because they subconsciously want you to “Mother” them like their moms did when they were young.  They also wanted, as Freud so eloquently put it,  to bang their moms when they were young – long before they knew what that was. 

Now, he’s ill, he’s regressing into his childhood, and suddenly you’re about to play two roles for the price of one, because that big baby never seems to be too sick for some Hey Hey, does he?   Right, I didn’t think so. 

Gosh I hope she clicked that link. 

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 3 Comments »

Done with the meds.  Done with the wheezing.  Not moving fast, not talking loud.  The best part of having pneumonia has been all the stories people tell me.  “Oh, yeah, my friend so-and-so had that, he was in the hospital for 6 months.”  “Oh, yeah, my friend’s buddy’s relative had that, he died.”  “Oh yeah, I had that, I was out for 4 months.” 

I’m starting to feel like (A) I should be feeling much worse, (B) I got off really easy, and (C) I’ve just joined a really weird club.  I heard a cancer survivor talk about her experience a few years ago; she mentioned that it seemed really odd that everyone treated her like a hero just for getting out of bed each morning.  She said “What was I going to do, just lay there?” 

Like the man said, “Keep kicking and scratching.  If you stop, they throw dirt over you.” 

So, I drove a car again for the first time in 3 weeks today, that was fun.  Went back to the office for most of the day today – I find I tire easily.  The worst part of all this is that my taste buds have changed – can’t deal with coffee or hard liquor; I find I dislike the taste.  The upshot of this is that I haven’t had any caffiene or alcohol in several weeks – those of you who know me well will have an idea of my state of mind at this turn of events.  Healthy?  I’m not sure it’s worth it. 

Updates as they happen – watch this space!

Tags: Children // 5 Comments »

The kids have been arguing all morning.  Sometimes I just tune it out unless there’s blood, and even then I’m likely to ask if it’s dripping or spurting before I intervene.  Sometimes, however, I like to play the role of the activist Father Figure and try to negotiate a peace agreement, or at least restore some semblance of sanity and quiet.  Today I decided to emerge from my cocoon and strike a well reasoned blow for order.

I addressed the three of them, all standing in front of the door, facing each other.  “Do you all bicker and fight among yourselves all the time, or is it only when I’m here?” 

This was met with silence, so I repeated the question, looking at each of them in turn and trying to hold my “tolerant but only for just so long Father” look as best I could. 

They agreed that it was all the time, it wasn’t just when I was around.  “How about if you play pretend?  You could pretend that you’re all friends.  Or, barring that, you could pretend that you’re all strangers who don’t know one another, and try introducing yourselves and being polite.  You, introduce yourself to her.”

Human Tape Recorder:  “Hi.”
Reigning Queen of Pink:  “Hi.”
Number One Son:  “Peace.”

“See,” said I, “that was easy.  You can pretend to be strangers and speak politely to each other.”

HTR:  “Actually, you told me never to talk to strangers.  I think I’d better follow that advice.”  And she pats me on the head and runs away. 

Number One Son:  “Epic Fail, Dad.  Epic Fail.” 

“Wait a minute…”  But it was too late, and they were at least all laughing their butts off, so I declared victory and ceded the field.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

It’s Friday, and that means answer time! For those of you who have commented with questions from previous ManFAQs, thank you. I’m adding yours to the list of questions women have asked about men over the years, and I will answer them all in turn – to continue to demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler.  Actual questions, posed by real women, and answered by a REAL man. What could go wrong?

Question:   Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?

Answer:    I’d love to say that it’s a macho thing, that fuzzy toilet seat covers seem less masculine, and we don’t want other guys laughing at us when they come over and use the can. 

Because most guys don’t want to admit the truth.  Mostly it’s a question of having a something to sit on when we’re getting into or out of the shower.  Now this may come as a surprise to you, but women are built differently than men.  When we sit down on that thing, if it’s fuzzy, it’s going to tickle.  This then leads to thoughts of other things that tickle our junk down there, and then we’re starting to fantasize about the toilet seat cover, which is too weird even for me, and we feel like pervs.  (The fact that most of us *are* pervs is beside the point, thank you very much.)

Now you know. Please, feel free to comment with any questions you’d like answered!

Tags: Children // 5 Comments »