Man, 5 weeks into the year, February already.
Here it is already Friday – another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week. Hey, we’re all excited here – it finally has a name!
Aries (The Ram): Next week is a fast one. You’ll need to take responsibility for your actions – just remember that everything you choose will be wrong. Your high-risk disease this week: Chronic Cervid Wasting Disease.
Taurus (The Bull): Good news! By Tuesday, you should be fully recovered. Don’t get used to it. Thursday will find you back on your head anyway.
Gemini (The Twins): You will find yourself waiting on Saturday and too damn late on Sunday. Monday you’ll be holding your head with a headache that will have you in bed all of Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday will have you feeling better, but still staring at the walls. Your high-risk disease this week: Schmallenberg.
Cancer (The Crab): Don’t bother watching the Superbowl on Sunday. Your team will lose and you’ll drown your sorrows in a frothy mixture of Doritos, shame, and cheap beer.
Leo (The Lion): You’re in for a treat on Tuesday, but you’ll have to find it for yourself. That treat will be taken from you again on Wednesday unless you’re wearing traditional Bavarian lederhosen. Your high-risk disease this week: Porcine Foot & Mouth.
Virgo (The Virgin): You have an army of flying monkeys and you’re not afraid to use it. Don’t be shy about throwing your weight around, except on the bus, where that’s considered rude.
Libra (The Scale): You’re a traveling man this week. You will be headed west on Wednesday and south on Saturday. Pack some extra undies, you’re going to need them. Your high-risk disease this week: Crimean-Congo Hemoragic fever.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Brush up on your foreign language skills, because you’re going to have unexpected visitors this week. Pick up a haddock on Monday and set it in the fridge. Once you can smell it without opening the fridge, kick them out. Your lucky number is 13.
Sagittarius (The Archer): Video didn’t kill the radio star, you did, and the RCMP will be looking for you this week. There’s no statute of limitations on murder, regardless of how bad a DJ he was. The insanity plea is your best bet. Your high-risk disease this week: Salmonellosis.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You will think about boats most of the week. Keep those thoughts only in your head, because anything you board in February will end in Vada A Bordo, Cazzo! Big water is not your friend this week.
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You are developing an unhealthy moist towelette fetish. Weekends are your own, but you need to leave this one home when you go to work on Monday. Your lucky number is 5 below. Your high-risk disease this week: Necrotizing Fasciitis.
Pisces (The Fish): Tuesday will be brought to you by the letter P and the number 4.95. You will reach a pleasant elevation on Monday and Thursday, only to come back down and return to where you started. Get someone else to pay for it.
So, it’s been 4 weeks with the horoscope, to mixed reviews. The ManFAQ, mayitrestinpeace, was usually only a single question – not a bad gig if you’ve got a week to write it. This sucker, man – do you realize there are 12 of those things? Each week? What was I thinking?
But there are good sides. I’ve touched people’s lives. Amarina wrote in from Australia to say that her horoscope from 2 weeks ago was “spot on, mate!” Inga from Germany told me hers last week was “frighteningly to the pin” which I’m reliably informed means that I got it right. Several Canadians have mentioned that the forecasts seem too accurate to be just chance, and 90 percent of Americans polled indicted that they were considering taking out restraining orders because their horoscopes were not just forecasting their futures, but actually creating them.
However, this has only been the case when those horoscopes have been, well, not to put too fine a point on it, lousy. For those few times I’ve indicated a pleasant week ahead, smooth sailing, you’re rockin’ out this time – dead wrong.
What can we derive from this? Either (A) I’m a prescient genius, (B) everyone’s been having a really shitty month, (C) shitty prophecies are self-fulfilling, or (D) all of the above. Since I have yet to win the lottery, I can safely discount (A). I think we can probably safely chalk up (B) to the fact that it’s January. That leaves (C), which tells us that people generally expect things to go wrong and are usually unsurprised to find themselves once again ankle deep. Here’s where we pull out the Philosophers. Who can help us?
Thomas Hobbes, of course! Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. Since we know the lives of men (and ladies) are mostly pretty bleak, we can simply quote Leviathan:
“Whatsoever therefore is consequent to a time of Warre, where every man is Enemy to every man; the same is consequent to the time, wherein men live without other security, than what their own strength, and their own invention shall furnish them withall. In such condition, there is no place for Industry; because the fruit thereof is uncertain; and consequently no Culture of the Earth; no Navigation, nor use of the commodities that may be imported by Sea; no commodious Building; no Instruments of moving, and removing such things as require much force; no Knowledge of the face of the Earth; no account of Time; no Arts; no Letters; no Society; and which is worst of all, continuall feare, and danger of violent death; And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.”
From now on, I can predict with pedagogical prescience that my astro-illogical dances with your destiny will be entirely accurate. From this Friday forth, may I present: The Hobbesian Horoscope.
Doomed, we are. Doomed.
Still not a photoblog, Week Four. There were several days this week when I went to bed thinking “oh, dang, I never did get around to taking a picture.” Reviewing these, I realized that my days have blurred together so much that I didn’t remember the ones I’d taken – some early in the morning, some random “grab that shot” pics that slipped from my head as soon as I set the Nikon down, entering and leaving my mind like a flashbulb. To my surprise, they were all on the camera, and we all know – the camera doesn’t lie.
Here it is already Friday – another week, another chance to catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week. This week, for your fortune and favor, I’m highlighting some of the diseases many of you will be at risk for in the next 7 days. Sucks to be you!!!
Aries (The Ram): Next time you go to the doctor, tell her about those sores. Really – it’s not going to go away by itself. Your lucky number is also the loneliest – 1.
Taurus (The Bull): You are happiest when involved in some kind of creative process, which is good since you’re going to spend some quality time alone this week! Your high-risk disease this week: Monkeypox
Gemini (The Twins): You enjoy mental exploration, and see where it’s lead you? Right. Despite that, you are loved, deeply, by people who are really really bad at saying that. Knowing this probably won’t help, but it’s there. Cling to it.
Cancer (The Crab): You don’t even want to know how badly your PC is going to crash this week. Your data? Buh-bye. Backup your life, buhbala, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride! Your high-risk disease this week: Banana Wilt
Leo (The Lion): You’re awesome today, tomorrow, pretty much through Tuesday. Wednesday through Friday is a greased slide to Loserville.
Virgo (The Virgin): You made it through the wilderness. Somehow, you made it through. You’d been had. You’d been sad. You’d been blue. How touching. Your high-risk disease this week: Black Lung
Libra (The Scale): Your sign is associated with the lower back and the kidneys. Which is funny, considering the state of your liver. Your lucky number is a buck ninety-five, exact change only please.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): You are a sequence of small scenes played all out of order. You are highly contagious, capable of causing explosive outbreaks, and characterized by fever, cough, and awesomeness. Your high-risk disease this week: Equine Influenza
Sagittarius (The Archer): You. Monday will be the best day you’ve had in weeks. Ride that and coast for the week.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): That know-it-all Leo down the block from you thinks you’re cute. He’s a stalker; don’t interact with him. Your lucky number is 18. Your high-risk disease this week: Coconut Palm Bud Rot
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): Your mama was young, and the skies were rocking with the dusty heart of a beggar woman on the night you were born. You should listen to more Sally Oldfield, but only on Wednesday.
Pisces (The Fish): Tuesday will be better than Monday, Monday will be better than the weekend. Your lucky number is Section 3.5.1.6. You should probably lie down. Your high-risk disease this week: White Nose Syndrome