It’s been a crazy few days here, which will take a while to compile and share with you all, but before this day ends I wanted to wish everyone a safe and happy Fourth of July! Without further ado, I’m re-tweeting the cause for tonight’s fireworks, in case anyone needed a refresher. Enjoy your freedoms responsibly, they’re expensive.
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen United States of AMERICA.
WHEN, in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another; and to assume, among the Powers Of The Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the Causes which impel them to the Separation.
We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their CREATOR with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established, should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. Such has been the patient Sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The History of the present King of Great-Britain is a History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations, all having in direct Object the Establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
HE has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public Good.
HE has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing Importance, unless suspended in their Operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
HE has refused to pass other Laws for the Accommodation of large Districts of People, unless those People would relinquish the Right of Representation in the Legislature, a Right inestimable to them and formidable to Tyranny only.
HE has called together Legislative Bodies at Places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the Depository of their public Records, for the sole Purpose of fatiguing them into Compliance with his Measures.
HE has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly Firmness his Invasions on the Rights of the people.
HE has refused for a long Time, after such Dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, Incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining, in the mean Time, exposed to all the Dangers of Invasion from without, and Convulsions within.
HE has endeavoured to prevent the Population of these States; for that Purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their Migrations hither, and raising the Conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
HE has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.
HE has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the Tenure of their Offices, and the Amount and Payment of their Salaries.
HE has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance.
HE has kept among us, in times of Peace, Standing Armies, without the Consent of our Legislatures.
HE has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.
HE has combined with others to subject us to a Jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
FOR quartering large Bodies of Armed Troops among us:
FOR protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
FOR cutting off our Trade with all Parts of the World:
FOR imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
FOR depriving us in many Cases, of the Benefits of Trial by Jury:
FOR transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended Offences:
FOR abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an arbitrary Government, and enlarging its Boundaries, so as to render it at once an Example and fit Instrument for introducing the same absolute Rule into these Colonies:
FOR taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
FOR suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all Cases whatsoever.
HE has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection, and waging War against us.
HE has plundered our Seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our Towns, and destroyed the Lives of our People.
HE is, at this Time, transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the Works of Death, Desolation, and Tyranny, already begun with Circumstances of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous Ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized Nation.
HE has constrained our fellow Citizens, taken Captive on the high Seas, to bear Arms against their Country, to become the Executioners of their Friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
HE has excited domestic Insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the Inhabitants of our Frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known Rule of Warfare, is an undistinguished Destruction of all Ages, Sexes and Conditions.
IN every Stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble Terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated Injury. A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every Act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a free People.
NOR have we been wanting in Attentions to our British Brethren. We have warned them, from Time to Time, of Attempts by their Legislature to extend an unwarrantable Jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the Ties of our common Kindred to disavow these Usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our Connexions and Correspondence. They too have been deaf to the Voice of Justice and of Consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the Necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the Rest of Mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
WE, therefore, the Representatives of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in GENERAL CONGRESS, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the Rectitude of our Intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly Publish and Declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be,FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political Connexion between them and the State of Great-Britain, is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that as FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which INDEPENDENT STATES may of Right do. And for the Support of this Declaration, with a firm Reliance on the Protection of DIVINE PROVIDENCE, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honour.
Aries (The Ram): It’s a marvelous week for a moon dance, but you won’t be dancing. You’ll be on the sidelines, watching other people dance, holding up the bar again. Don’t let it fall – after a few gin and tonics, that sucker really starts to rock, doesn’t it? Your high-risk disease this week: Jaundice.
Taurus (The Bull): When you get pulled over for speeding this week, try looking at the cop and saying, “But the limit is 186,000 miles per second, officer. I wasn’t even approaching a measurable fraction of that!” As he handcuffs you, start yelling “The Higgs Boson made me do it!” Be sure to let us know how that works out for you.
Gemini (The Twins): This will be a good week for getting your car cleaned. Unfortunately you won’t have to move it – the flash floods will clean it real good, yeah, inside and out baby. Budget for a new one. Your high-risk disease this week: Deformed Wing Virus.
Cancer (The Crab): Do you remember the other day when you decided you didn’t really need to pull the drapes before you changed clothes, and then you spotted that beautiful deer standing on the hill looking toward your house? He’ll be back this week, and he’s bring you a dozen roses. Will you have the hart to tell him to buck off?
Leo (The Lion): Great news! This week, a set of ten platinum and ten gold coins will be ordered in your name! Unfortunately, they’re also being ordered with your credit card. They are not, however, being sent to your address. Your high-risk disease this week: Plum Pox Virus.
Virgo (The Virgin): Remember the beautiful oak in your yard? Five words: high wind, insurance company, firewood.
Libra (The Scale): This will be an interesting week for you. More than 18 people will “like” your status update on Facebook. This is interesting, since you don’t have a Facebook account. By Thursday, you’ll be downright Tweeting! Your high-risk disease this week: Acinetobacter.
Scorpio (The Scorpion): Sushi will sound really good on Tuesday. It will taste good, too. Good, however, probably shouldn’t be used to describe that sushi, which you’re likely to find out later Tuesday evening, over the course of hours. You know all those magazines by your commode? Bring a copy of War and Peace; you’re going to have some time on your hands.
Sagittarius (The Archer): You’ll see a marked increase in energy this week, since you’re going to start eating better. You won’t have much choice, the fast-food joint you’ve been munching at will close “by order of the health inspector” on Wednesday. Your high-risk disease this week: Hoof Disease.
Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): You’ve been busy this week, and next week looks like more of the same. You’re thinking about stopping to smell the roses. Don’t do it – you’re allergic. Just keep working. 
Aquarius (The Water Bearer): You will be asked to rejoin your coven of highly trained adepts this week, a signal honor since you pretty much cursed them all as you flounced out last month. Don’t be fooled, they only want you for your body. Yes, you know what I mean. Your high-risk disease this week: Witches’ Broom.
Pisces (The Fish): You’re going to be nominated to another Focus Group this week. Try to stay awake for this one, OK? That was embarrassing.