Big Ugly Man Doll

Happy Friday!  It won’t be happy, of course, but it’s better than a sharp blow to your all-too-fragile ego.   Or, maybe it’s not, but it is another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!  Read on!

Aries (The Ram):    This week, the flashbacks you’ve been having to your days in Vietnam will intensify.  Since your days in Vietnam were spent in a posh hotel in the Hanoi shopping district for a two week vacation last summer, don’t expect a lot of sympathy.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Root Knot.

Taurus (The Bull):    You’re not really going to wear that out of the house, are you?  Do you not have a mirror?  Geez.

Gemini (The Twins):    This is a good week to stay off your toe.  And foot.  And leg.  And, in fact, the other leg.  You should really just relax.  This is a good week for taking it easy and building up your endurance for the NEXT week.  You’re going to need it.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Wart Potato Disease.

Cancer (The Crab):    Every once in a while, you get a day so nice that nothing bad happening can really affect it; you’re just serenely calm and all’s well with the world.  You won’t be having one of those days this week.  Next week doesn’t look good either. 

Leo (The Lion):   This week you will truly, deeply find the truth about programming, which is the art of debugging an empty text file, and writing, which is the art of staring at a blank screen until drops of blood form on your forehead.  Your life will not actually be made any simpler by knowing this.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Anaplasmosis.

Virgo (The Virgin):  They say that an hour can be forever in the eyes of a child.  That child would be the one on the plane in the seat in front of you, and the hour will be spent screaming its head off.  Trust me on the forever part. 

Libra (The Scale):   Your new obsession with free fall and skydiving will end very, very suddenly this week.  Please make sure your premiums are paid up.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Sarcocystosis.     

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   This is a good week for bothering other people about doing what you want to do.  They won’t, but you’ll enjoy bothering them about it.  Bother Bother Bother.

Sagittarius (The Archer):    Yes, people out there really are turning music into gold.  In the meantime, you should get a tattoo on your right upper thigh.  Remember, pics or it didn’t happen.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Clostridium Chauvoei.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):   Your careful cautious reserve will bite you in the ass this week when your 6th Grade nemesis shows up in a leather jacket and tight jeans, smoking a pack of Devil May Care and swilling expensive moonshine, and steals your girl. 

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):    Like a salmon desperately swimming upstream to fuck and die, your libido is going to get you in trouble again this week.  Also like a salmon, this trouble will involve an unexpected bear.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Digital Dermatitis.

Pisces (The Fish):   This is a good week for resting on your laurels and enjoying all the projects you’re thinking about finishing one of these days.  You won’t have a chance, mind you, but this would have been a good week for it.   

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

Happy first Friday in September! It won’t be happy, of course, but it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp retort.   Or, maybe it’s not, but it is another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

Aries (The Ram):    This week you will be caught in the annual migration of the spider boxing butterflies, so named for their ability to go three rounds with any arachnid you can name, except on Sundays, when they refuse to fight are are eaten, but only under protest. 

Taurus (The Bull):    This week will be halfway almost going on the verge of not too bad, following your failure to duck tomorrow.  And, um, right now.  Duck!  Your high-risk disease this week:  Citrus Target Spot.

Gemini (The Twins):    This will be a good week to try new means of transportation.  Mind you, that will mean they’re new to you, not that they’re, you know, new.    Besides, if you can’t have an airplane, you can at least have a pilot!

Cancer (The Crab):    You should visit an oracle this week.  Your fortune won’t be any better, but my friend the oracle gives me karmic kickbacks if I send folks his way.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Human Enterovirus 71.

Leo (The Lion):   You will dream this week of the best BBQ you’ve ever had, then wake to the bitter realization that it was only a dream, mouth watering, yearning, drooling on your pillow.  Roll over and go back to sleep in despair.

Virgo (The Virgin):  The good:  This week, you will turn to your friend and ask, “What is love?”    The bad:  they will look at you and say, “Five feet of heaven and a ponytail.”  The ugly:  You’re taller and have a short bob.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Rinderpest.

Libra (The Scale):  It’s going to be beautiful in the Cayman Islands all week.  Won’t do you a damn bit of good, of course, but just in case you were wondering – yes, people there are having fun. 

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   This is a great week for checking out new interests.  Math, science, and foreign languages, for example.  I’m not saying you’ll find them interesting, I’m just saying this is a good week for checking them out – whether you want to or not.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Snake Neurologic Respiratory Disease.

Sagittarius (The Archer):  You will find yourself in a cheesy diner this week, staring at the menu and realizing that you want all of it.  Everything looks good for a change.  Unfortunately, you can only order one – the waitress is a “one mouth, one plate” kind of gal.  Tipping her would be fun, but it’s still illegal.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):   This week, you will realize that your company will really go to the ends of the earth for its people.  It will then hire its people for about 10 percent of the cost of Americans, and you’ll be let go before you can say Bangalore.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Mud Snail Neurotoxicosis.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   You will reach the apex of your career this week, and isn’t that a scary thought.  After this, it’s all downhill, filling out your TPS reports and checking your 401K seventeen times a day, just like that old guy in your office no one likes to talk to. 

Pisces (The Fish):    At least one photo a day. For a year.  Or until 14 May 2012, whichever comes first.  Don’t feel badly – some of us didn’t make it into March!   This is your week to rebound.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Bunyavirus Disease.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

Of all my bad habits, which are many and varied, including some that can not be printed in family newspapers such as this one and involve various bodily functions and small animals, along with some that merely involve me reading my own poetry out loud in public, the one that makes SOBUMD cringe the most, I believe, is my willingness to believe that I am capable of cutting, and competent to cut, my own hair.

And the sad part is that I would get it cut more often, but I can never remember to call my hairstylist at the right time.  And the other sad part is that it wouldn’t really look all that bad, but I can neither reach nor see the back of my own head, so by the second month or so I’m sporting a mullet.  And the last sad part is the yelling at I get when I finally remember to call Gloria (my aforementioned hairstylist) and she sees what I’ve done.  “You did that yourself, didn’t you?” 

Some people dread losing their hair – me, I can’t wait. 

Until then, I need longer arms.

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »

Happy Friday, here at the end of all things August!  It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!

Aries (The Ram):    Tough break this week on Tuesday; who knew your phone would fit through the gap in that escalator?  Crushed and mangled, just like your dreams.  Bummer.  Your high-risk disease this week:  Argentine Hemorrhagic Fever.

Taurus (The Bull):   You’ll want to avoid seafood this week.  And undercooked meats.  And most forms of blue cheese.  And, um, how to put this delicately – skip the beans, right?  In fact, this is a good week to start that diet. 

Gemini (The Twins):    Your double life as a mild-mannered housewife and action-packed crime fighter will be revealed this week; your cover will be blown.  Should have had that cape laundered somewhere else, Wonder Girl!  Your high-risk disease this week:   Hendra Virus.

Cancer (The Crab):   An error will occur in an application you were using.  Data about the error will be sent to your company.  They’re going to use this in the court proceedings, you know. 

Leo (The Lion):   This is a good week for getting ready for things, by which I mean reviewing your times tables – you know you can’t remember 8 times 7 without using your fingers.  Hop to it!  Your high-risk disease this week:   Histoplasmosis.

Virgo (The Virgin):  It’s your birthday; live it up!  Have that extra latte.  Next week will be back on your head.

Libra (The Scale):  You will be invited to the opening of the new dance hall in your area this week.  Unfortunately, it’s a head shop in the back, and you’re going to be arrested with the rest of the crowd.  Your high-risk disease this week:   Corridor Disease.

Scorpio (The Scorpion):   School will prove too cool for itself, and you will have to party on your own this week.  Keep a disco ball in your locker.

Sagittarius (The Archer):  This is the kind of week where, when you have a job interview, the only question you’ll be asked is, “If you were a tree…”  Your high-risk disease this week:   Amebic Meningoencephalitis.

Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):   You will look out your window and see 25 little brown wrens and a single blue jay this Tuesday.  As you wonder what it could mean, remember that the blue jay is as freaked out as you are.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer):   You will do your happy dance on Monday, but it will prove premature.  Had you only trimmed your toenails, you might have gotten that part!  Ah, there’s always next week.   Til then, booze.   Your high-risk disease this week:   Epizootic Ulcerative Syndrome.

Pisces (The Fish):    All that decaf will catch up with you this week; you’ll be falling asleep in the checkout line at the shoe store.  Take a power nap before you go out, just in case.  

Tags: Children // Add Comment »

Dobos Torte

This evening we feted the Reigning Queen of Pink with the final celebration of the royal birthday.  I made, since I was instructed to do so and I’m good at following orders, a Dobos Torte, which is a multi-layered confection with chocolate.  There were hamburgers, there were mushroom popovers, there was beer, there was a damned piano about which the less said the better, there was a good time had by all. 

Before the cake but following the presents, however, there was a notable absence of Birthday Girl.  I eventually went up to her room to find her, only to find her crying softly to herself.  I tried to jolly out of her what had her upset, but there was nothing she could quite describe.  I chalked it up to the existential horror of becoming older, which doesn’t depress most people until they’re in their 40s at least, but then my children have always been overachievers, and 10 isn’t really too young to be horrified at the universal finality of life, is it?  It could also have been sugar, or exhaustion, or – all too likely – hormones.  Regardless, I had her laughing in a few minutes and we went back downstairs for birthday Dobos Torte. 

Following the party, once the Very Clever Grandparents and the Very Blonde Aunt (the RQoP could be her clone!) had left for the evening, I essayed another sally into the question of what had her so down earlier.  I let her know that people change, that we all get older, and that she might not always be the Reigning Queen of Pink.  She might, in time, become the reigning queen of some other color, or she might start rocking some other element of her life just as much as she rocks the pink thing now – and that’s OK.  I told her that I might not always be a Big Ugly Man Doll.

“You will be to me!” she said, and hugged me. 

Well, damn.  Hard to look like a big, tough, ugly man doll when you’re fighting back tears. 

Thanks, kid – that’s better than getting the cake right, every time!

Tags: Children // 2 Comments »