{"id":911,"date":"2010-12-01T14:06:01","date_gmt":"2010-12-01T18:06:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=911"},"modified":"2010-12-01T14:06:01","modified_gmt":"2010-12-01T18:06:01","slug":"a-short-list-of-things-you-should-and-shouldn%e2%80%99t-do-when-you-have-pneumonia","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=911","title":{"rendered":"A Short List of Things You Should and Shouldn\u2019t Do When You Have Pneumonia"},"content":{"rendered":"

I started this Pneumonia list yesterday and realized I\u2019m taking so many meds that I needed to just leave off and talk about that.\u00a0 Today, though, is different.\u00a0 Today I want to leave the world a better place, in case I don\u2019t see tomorrow.\u00a0 I want to leave a trail of more than breadcrumbs, should you, dear reader, ever have to follow in these unfortunate footsteps \u2013 I want to leave a trail of light bulbs, of knowledge, of something that will light your path in the darkness.\u00a0 Or something like that.\u00a0 Anyway, I leave you two lists.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Things you should<\/span> do when you have pneumonia:<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Take your medicine.<\/strong>\u00a0 All of it.\u00a0 I think I\u2019ve covered that well enough already.<\/a><\/li>\n
  2. Use your Neti-Pot.<\/strong>\u00a0 I don\u2019t care if you don\u2019t like it, ya big baby.\u00a0 Yes, I know it\u2019s like an enema for your nose.\u00a0 Just stick it in there and squeeze.\u00a0 Some people snort tear gas and pepper spray for this, all you have to use is salt water.\u00a0 Quit complaining.<\/li>\n
  3. Go back to bed.<\/strong>\u00a0 You can\u2019t walk with all those meds in you anyway.<\/li>\n
  4. Get up again,<\/strong> since you can\u2019t sleep with all those meds in you either.\u00a0 Leviquin is like an old girlfriend \u2013 knocks me down on the bed and has its way with me for about 20 minutes, then keeps me awake for several hours.\u00a0 Why am I taking an antibiotic that wants to talk about its feelings?\u00a0<\/li>\n
  5. Stay home and organize your stuff.<\/strong>\u00a0 Wait, what?\u00a0 Do you really think you\u2019re going to remember where the hell you put that when these meds wear off?\u00a0 You\u2019re out of your mind.\u00a0 This is a bad idea.<\/li>\n
  6. Read.<\/strong>\u00a0 Catch up on your backlog of books and New Yorkers.\u00a0 Maybe then you can declutter around here when you\u2019re well.<\/li>\n
  7. Write a letter to your grandmother.<\/strong>\u00a0 She won\u2019t mind that the letter doesn\u2019t make any sense because you\u2019re trying to write while you\u2019re too high to die, you don\u2019t make all that much sense anyway, and she likes hearing from you.\u00a0<\/li>\n
  8. Stay in touch with the office.<\/strong>\u00a0 But only enough that they remember you\u2019re not there.\u00a0 The email you don\u2019t read is the only one you need to worry about.<\/li>\n
  9. Shut up.<\/strong>\u00a0 No, yeah, stop talking.\u00a0 First, you sound like crap.\u00a0 Second, all you\u2019re doing is moaning or whining, no one wants to hear it.\u00a0<\/li>\n
  10. Finish your holiday letter.<\/strong>\u00a0 Hey, you\u2019re funny when you\u2019re sick!<\/li>\n
  11. Make a list<\/strong> of all the things you should and shouldn\u2019t do when you have pneumonia.\u00a0 Gosh, you\u2019re a hoot, aren\u2019t you?\u00a0 Another shot of Tussionex?\u00a0 Why yes, don\u2019t mind if I do!\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \u00a0Things you should NOT<\/span> do when you have pneumonia:<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Two words:<\/strong>\u00a0 River Dance!<\/li>\n
    2. Creative writing.<\/strong>\u00a0 Let loose your personal demons and write that poem you\u2019ve been thinking about.\u00a0 Really.\u00a0 See what your friends Leviquin, Tussionex, and Benzonatate have to say, because it\u2019s not like you\u2019re driving the bus right now anyway.<\/li>\n
    3. Catch up on reading Hyperbole and a Half.<\/strong>\u00a0 Particularly this one<\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0No one with respiratory problems should be allowed to look at her website.\u00a0 It should come with warning labels.\u00a0 I\u2019ve never needed an inhaler so badly in my life.<\/li>\n
    4. Go into the office.<\/strong>\u00a0 These people already have a bad case of Do Not Want, and they sure as hell DNW your diseased, germ-ridden, bacteria-shedding body contaminating the keyboard next to them.\u00a0 Besides, no one likes to share a cubicle with a guy who talks about antibiotics and the state of his colon.<\/li>\n
    5. Practice your acceptance speech.<\/strong>\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d like to thank the Academy\u2026\u201d<\/li>\n
    6. Marathon training.<\/strong>\u00a0 Not the best time to start that new exercise program.\u00a0<\/li>\n
    7. Try out pick up lines<\/strong> on your significant other.\u00a0 Wheezing is sexy!<\/li>\n
    8. Go pick up the kids.<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\u00a0 The school won\u2019t mind if you break quarantine.\u00a0<\/li>\n
    9. Yard work.<\/strong>\u00a0 Because you know you\u2019re so all about raking in the first place, right?\u00a0 Let\u2019s be real, you wouldn\u2019t be outside if you were healthy, either.\u00a0<\/li>\n
    10. More Beer.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      \u00a0<\/p>\n

      I sincerely hope you never have occasion to need either list, but if you do, now you know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      A Short List of Things You Should and Shouldn\u2019t Do When You Have Pneumonia. Becase I want to leave the world a better place, in case I don\u2019t see tomorrow. I want to leave a trail of more than breadcrumbs, should you, dear reader, ever have to follow in these unfortunate footsteps \u2013 I want to leave a trail of light bulbs, of something that will light your path in the darkness. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[46,7],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/911"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=911"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/911\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":912,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/911\/revisions\/912"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=911"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=911"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=911"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}