Operation Wedding:\u00a0 1200 Miles in 5 Days Thursday starts, like all Thursdays do, on the Wednesday before.\u00a0 In this case, at Gloria\u2019s Hair Salon, because I\u2019ll be damned if I\u2019m going to drive from here to Chicago with the mop I\u2019m sporting \u2013 that much hair could significantly affect the vehicle\u2019s performance, handling, and mileage.\u00a0 I made up the cost of the haircut in the gas we saved in the first 100 miles.\u00a0<\/p>\n Besides, who feels like driving when you\u2019re not rockin\u2019 your own head?\u00a0 I built this haircut on rock-n-roll, baby, and I\u2019ve got the gray to prove it.<\/p>\n So Thursday dawns, as Thursday must, and we load the kids into the car.\u00a0 We have everything:\u00a0 medication, a teddy bear (the kids did not take teddy bears or dolls; I, however, brought mine), books, music, cell phone chargers, good clothes, bad clothes, and an appetite for road food.\u00a0 We eased away from our berth, down past the docks, and out of view of the house, our only companion the constant hammer of Nicole \u2013 the 16th named tropical storm this year, which graced the Eastern Seaboard with rain for the first time in 4 months.\u00a0 Not a drop of the wet stuff on the brown patches of dirt that used to pass for my lawn, and on this traveling morning Mother Nature decides to switch on the fire hose?\u00a0 Bitch.\u00a0<\/p>\n When you pause to consider the rain, the traffic, and the incredible distance (yep, 42 miles) we needed to cover that morning, we did pretty well.\u00a0 We maintained an average speed of 28 miles per hour, which is pretty safe for a Model T Ford. \u00a0That we were driving a 1999 Toyota Sienna with a 6-cylander engine and a top speed of 130 miles per hour \u2013 not that it\u2019s ever seen that speed, but I hear tell \u2013 well, we\u2019ll just let that slide, in much the same way that we slid into the Waffle House in Frederick, MD to meet my folks and sister, who were driving with us in the driving rain to Ohio and Points West.\u00a0<\/p>\n Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.\u00a0 My parents, it should be noted, are considerably more healthy than I am; my mother can kill a deer with a cast iron skillet at 30 paces and my father runs marathons for fun and profit.\u00a0 I used to hope to be in as good shape as they are when I reach the same age; these days I\u2019ve lowered my sights to just reaching the same age.\u00a0 Needless to say, the idea of actually *eating* in the Waffle House holds a sick, fascinating attraction for them; it\u2019s like realizing that you can order dessert for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and no one will yell at you.\u00a0 That they were the thinnest adults in the place did not bother anyone \u2013 they\u2019ll serve anyone at the Waffle House.\u00a0<\/p>\n We greased up, gassed up, and also saw to the needs of the cars, if you know what I mean.\u00a0 Breakfast, while watching it rain in sheets, was going to be the last fun thing for a good hundred miles, and we enjoyed it as only road foodies can – which is to say quickly, cheaply, and messily.\u00a0 We looked like great white sharks trying to decide between the cute one swimming by herself or the fat one with the surfboard, and realizing that hey, I’m a shaaaark, I don’t have to choose.\u00a0 I can just eat them both!\u00a0<\/p>\n And we did.\u00a0 I love me some Waffle House.\u00a0<\/p>\n Tomorrow, we cover miles 42 – 292.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast. My parents, it should be noted, are considerably more healthy than I am; my mother can kill a deer with a cast iron skillet at 30 paces and my father runs marathons for fun and profit. I used to hope to be in as good shape as they are when I reach the same age; these days I\u2019ve lowered my sights to just reaching the same age. Needless to say, the idea of actually *eating* in the Waffle House holds a sick, fascinating attraction for them; it\u2019s like realizing that you can order dessert for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and no one will yell at you. That they were the thinnest adults in the place did not bother anyone \u2013 they\u2019ll serve anyone at the Waffle House. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[45,40],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/600"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=600"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/600\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":688,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/600\/revisions\/688"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=600"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=600"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=600"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n<\/span><\/strong>My cousin’s getting married in Chicago.\u00a0 Game on.<\/em><\/p>\n