Have you ever wondered about what\u2019s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen?\u00a0 I mean, never mind the gags about \u201cwho was the first person to eat that.\u201d\u00a0 Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together \u2013 this was someone who contributed to the gene pool.\u00a0 We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Level 1:\u00a0 Find a cow, which has twice as many legs as you do and outweighs you 4 to 1 or better.\u00a0 Grab it by the teats and squeeze her milk into a bucket.\u00a0 Bonus round: \u00a0Find a stick and churn the bucket like a mad beaver until the milk solidifies. \u00a0We\u2019re going to eat that.<\/p>\n
Level 2:\u00a0 Go to the beach and dig a shallow trench.\u00a0 Wait for the tide to go out, then wait for the water in your trench to evaporate.\u00a0 There will be rocks on the bottom of your trench; bring them with you.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to eat that.<\/p>\n
Level 3:\u00a0 Go out to the field, find a small round flower that’s vaguely rose-like, but stinky.\u00a0 Pull it up by the roots \u2013 we want the root ball.\u00a0 Right, not the pretty part you can see, just the part in the dirt.\u00a0 We\u2019re going to eat that.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve completed those first 3 levels, you\u2019re ready for level 4:\u00a0 Find a green, damp place, and look for shiny trails on the ground or the leaves of plants.\u00a0 Find a seashell moving under its own power, leaving a trail of slime behind it.\u00a0 Grab a bunch of these \u2013 we\u2019re going to eat that.<\/p>\n
Level 5:\u00a0 OK, now you have to get your avatar back to the kitchen, no doubt navigating a host of dangerous French predators who want your butter, salt, garlic, and escargots.\u00a0 And who can blame them?\u00a0<\/p>\n
Now for the win \u2013 once you\u2019re in the kitchen, we\u2019re going to cook the snails in the salt and garlic butter.\u00a0 That\u2019s right, shell-laden slimeballs with rocks, roots, and emulsified cow milk.\u00a0 Oh yes, we\u2019re going to eat that!<\/p>\n
(By the way, there\u2019s supposed to be an Easter egg hidden in this game \u2013 try throwing all the ingredients in the blender and turning it up to 11.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what happens\u2026)\u00a0<\/p>\n
Julia Child should have played more video games.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Have you ever wondered about what\u2019s involved just getting ingredients to your kitchen? I mean, never mind the gags about \u201cwho was the first person to eat that.\u201d Just think about the first person to think about putting all these things together \u2013 this was someone who contributed to the gene pool. We can be sure of this, because their kids are now programming video games. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,37,26,42],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/440"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=440"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/440\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":446,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/440\/revisions\/446"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=440"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=440"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=440"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}