![\"UPS](\"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/Carolyn-169x300.png\")
There we were, dropping the Human Tape Recorder off for her appointment at the Carolyn Building.\u00a0 We knew that it was call the Carolyn Building because it said on the UPS App.\u00a0 There are no other recorded instances of anyone ever referring to it by this name.\u00a0 We wondered who Carolyn was, and the Human Tape Recorder replied that it was very likely some chick named Carolyn who’d had a package delivered there one time in 1993, and they figured, what the heck, good a name as any.\u00a0 I mean, Carolyn sounds like something your kid sister would have as a middle name in the \u201870s or something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But there was the UPS App, claiming that\nthere’s a drop box there, into which we can drop our UPS postage paid package\nof rancid coffee grounds. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course the Carolyn Building was\nlocked, but the Human Tape Recorder had the code. The primary code didn’t work,\nbut the universal code worked. (The universal code is \u201cknock twice and\nshow some cleavage.\u201d The guy with the cleaning supplies almost tripped\nletting her in the door.) The Human Tape\nRecorder vanished up the elevator for her appointment and we drove around back\nto find the UPS drop box. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It wasn\u2019t there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Luckily, the App showed there was another box a few buildings down.\u00a0 And there might be, too, but if so it wasn\u2019t outside, and the building was locked.\u00a0 No box.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Next building. No box. Drive a little farther. Next building. No box. Drive a little farther. Next building. No box. Check the door. Locked. No box. The car is starting to smell of fair trade privilege and decay. Hurry to the next location on the UPS App, around the parking lot, in the back \u2013 there, two boxes! Saved! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
No. One box was USPS and the other might have\nstarted life as a UPS box, but it had turned into a FedEx box since the UPS App\npushed its most recent update. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I came close to dropping it in the FedEx\nbox. Same concept, right? People must mix those up all the time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can just hear them in the Great Shared Sorting Facility:
\u201cFred, got one of yours here.\u201d
\u201cThanks Bob, here\u2019s two for you, Texas. What\u2019s that one say?\u201d
\u201cNespresso pods, er, canisters.\u201d
\u201cAww shit, really? Trade ya? Those things stink.\u201d
\u201cHeh. All yours good buddy, says UPS on it. All yours.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I\u2019m not sure I really believe in the Great Shared Sorting Facility, and so, being a responsible coffee drinker, I continued to risk my car and nasal cavities by driving a little farther down the line. We found a dead end, which held some merit but didn\u2019t seem sporting, since there were houses there, and we found a Dumpster, which I have a really hard time distinguishing from a UPS Drop Box some times. (The reverse is also true, which is also why I’m never going back to a certain business park near that bar in Cleveland.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Finally, the UPS App map swore there was supposed to be a drop box at Building 3251, which is called Building 3251. We found it by dint of winding up parked right in front of it; SOBUMD asked what the address was, and I had to open the sunroof to check the numerals, which are two stories high, declaring themselves to the world, from the rooftop. Right building… And, closed. Box inside. I could see it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As with the Carolyn Building, there was a person inside 3251 with cleaning supplies. As an overweight, middle-aged Big Ugly Man Doll, doors DO open when I flash my cleavage, but they’re usually doors that you can’t unlock from the inside, and sometimes the officers bang your head on the car as they put you through them, and besides, the flashing lights give me the headache. So, that was out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We went around. The back was no good. Well, it might have been good, but there was a party happening in the rear of the parking lot, with a nice fire going. It seemed like a very well-attended party. Since we hadn’t been invited, possibly because of our having a fixed address and boring shit like that, we decided discretion was the better part of valor. We went around to the front of the building and pulled into the exit lane, to return to the open road and continue our quest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just needed to wait for that UPS truck\nto turn in front of me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Picture it! There I was, about T-minus 3 minutes before our stinking rattle-sack pillow of coffee bones and despair leaked enough malodorous malevolence that I\u2019d have to buy a new car, and there’s a big brown box truck of deliverance turning left right in front of me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFollow that truck!\u201d I shouted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou have GOT to be kidding me,\u201d said SOBUMD. \nI did a right and proper, by which I mean highly illegal, U-turn and pulled in\nbehind the truck, as he stopped at Building 3251.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I pulled in right behind him, looked at SOBUMD again (she was holding the baby), and said, \u201cRight, out you pop!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou have GOT to be kidding me,\u201d she repeated, handing me the flopping aluminum stink-sack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got the bag out of the car with only\nseconds to spare \u2013 the paint was starting to peel, and that was on the\ninside. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The poor UPS driver climbing out of the truck had clearly been busy hating his life to start with, and being handed a squirmy baby made of shifting aluminum and sustainably harvested, eye-watering compost canisters did nothing to change that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I didn’t find the box, but I did\nfind you,” I said with the good cheer of a man who now doesn\u2019t need to\nfile a dubious insurance claim about that smell in my car. He took the bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
He tossed the bag onto the floor of the truck. Clang-kerclunk-rattle-pew-thud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThank you!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I could see the delight in his eyes, and by delight I mean the flashbacks of loves lost, poor decisions, and bad fashion choices that had lead him to this job, this truck, this route \u2013 on this night. The pod people were always coming for him. Or canister people. Whatever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We left the poor UPS man with the\nsteaming sack of a hundred used cups of Joe and peeled out of there before he\ncould change his mind and\/or quit his job. \nAs luck would have it, the final UPS App Drop Box effort had landed us\nacross the street from a dessert store called, in an example of\ntruth-in-advertising gone too far, The Dessert Store. (I have to assume they share an ad agency\nwith Building 3251.) It\u2019s in a strip\nmall with not one, not two, but three hookah shops, two of them actually\nadjacent to one another, and a clock and watch repair guy who probably closes\nat 5pm on the very, very, precise dot, presumably for a smoke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We got some desserts, because how else does one celebrate one\u2019s emancipation from certain coffee mildew death, and besides, it\u2019s what they sell at the Dessert Store. We watched the rain, raining sidewise for a bit. Two young women walked out, decided they\u2019d wait on the bench outside, started to get drenched and came hesitantly back in. I told them that rain like that was a good reason to stay for more dessert. I guess I sounded convincing, because they were still eating when we left, as the rain dissipated. I should be in sales.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
From there, we still had a nominal amount of time to kill before picking up the Human Tape Recorder at what we now knew to be the Carolyn Building, and we\u2019d already called Geico. (Geico has actually blocked my number at this point.) We went to Starbucks. Closed. They roll the sidewalks up early in Fairfax. We drove past enough other places that I wondered what these people do for fun in the evenings, other than smoking hookah and dreaming eponymous dreams. Finally, we found Earth Fare, with 9 minutes remaining to shop before they closed. We shopped in 7 minutes, because we\u2019re professionals, and because I dragged SOBUMD out, to her consternation, with only 4 bottles of coconut amino acids. Her coupon is actually good until December, which is good, because we\u2019ll be back. The checkout person was throwing things into our bag at near relativistic speeds to ensure our timely departure, while maintaining a smile all the time. She may have been a robot. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thus happily unencumbered by coffee\ncanisters of dubious odor, equally happily encumbered with snacks, and grave\nwith desserts, we pressed on our appointed rounds in time to retrieve the Human\nTape Recorder. She emerged, asking after\nour evening. We launched into this\nrecitation and she said something on the order of \u201cOh, yeah, the UPS box is\nright inside, I could have brought that in.\u201d \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Next time. Next time. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And so ends the saga of The Great Fairfax Coffee Caper. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You know that feeling when you’re looking for the UPS drop box because you got a Nespresso machine for Father’s Day and you’ve finally filled up the bag they give you to send the canisters (don’t call them pods, dear god, not making that mistake again) back for recycling, and you’re in a bit of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4180"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4180"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4180\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4193,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4180\/revisions\/4193"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4180"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4180"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4180"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}