We went up to West Virginia with my folks for the Easter weekend.\u00a0 The kids get to play outside, the men get to talk about chainsaws, the women get to talk about the men \u2013 it\u2019s a good place for a Big Ugly Man Doll.\u00a0 So there we were, discussing the discrepancies between the gospels of Mark and Paul, the merits of Aku-Aku, and the origins of the heads on Easter Island, when it hit us:\u00a0 There were only four beers left.\u00a0 This was going to require some divine intervention \u2013 maybe even an Easter Miracle.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Luckily, my mother needed to go into town for some paint, which may be a euphemism for \u201cgetting out of the house for an hour,\u201d but since she did actually buy some paint, we\u2019ll give her the benefit of that doubt.\u00a0 I went with her, and we were able to find some beer, along with some \u201cWest Virginia Mountain Moonshine,\u201d which can\u2019t<\/strong> be authentic (since it\u2019s sold in stores).\u00a0 It\u2019s tasty, though, and can be used to thin paint in a pinch.<\/p>\n Returning with our \u201cpaint,\u201d we found the debate had moved to the disconnect between the theory and practice of Easter.\u00a0 In theory, we\u2019re celebrating a somber occasion marking the anniversary of the death of Jesus and his eventual resurrection.\u00a0 In practice, we\u2019re dying eggs that come from chickens with inks that come from plants and telling kids they come from rabbits.\u00a0 Then we\u2019re hiding the eggs, waking up and pointing out where the eggs are to those same kids so they can \u201cfind\u201d them, and eating roasted pigs and chocolate candy.\u00a0 My friend Bill read the bible once; he didn\u2019t find the words \u201cbunny\u201d or \u201cchocolate\u201d in there anywhere.\u00a0 Anyway, the whole rabbit thing I dunno, I was thinking we could do better.\u00a0 And then, just as I thought we needed a new Easter story, what should happen but my father\u2019s tractor cart had a flat tire.\u00a0<\/p>\n Stay with me now.<\/p>\n The tire is flat \u2013 very flat, the kind where you can see the wheel inside because there\u2019s no bead on the rim.\u00a0 It\u2019s just rubber hanging loose on the wheel, like the time you tried on one of your older brother\u2019s Trojans, but didn\u2019t know what they were for other than balloons.\u00a0 Dad tried the electric compressor, but it didn\u2019t have the oomph to get the rubber on the rim.\u00a0 Without the tire, there is no cart, and without the cart, there are no rides in the cart for the kids \u2013 and the angels will weep.<\/p>\n Remembering that my crazy neighbor told me he saw this on TV once, I grabbed a lighter, poured a little West Virginia Mountain Moonshine into the wheel well behind the rubber tire, and set it on fire.\u00a0 \u201cOomph!\u201d\u00a0 I popped the compressor back on the nozzle, and Hey Presto, the bead sealed on the rim and the tire filled with air.<\/p>\n No, no, that\u2019s not what happened.\u00a0 This was EASTER!\u00a0 The flat tire was dead, and therefore flat, on account of being dead.\u00a0 I used the power of the spirit(s) to baptize the wheel in holy fire (and I assure you the word \u201cHoly\u201d was, in fact, one of the two words my dad yelled when I did this), and then the wheel was resurrected with the compressor of faith.\u00a0 The new story of Easter! \u00a0\u201cJesus: He\u2019s Here To Pump [clap clap] You Up!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n And the kids got their rides, and the angels danced on their pins.\u00a0<\/p>\n Come on, you have to admit it makes as much sense as a rabbit with a fetish for chocolate and eggs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In theory, we\u2019re celebrating a somber occasion marking the anniversary of the death of Jesus and his eventual resurrection. In practice, we\u2019re dying eggs that come from chickens with inks that come from plants and telling kids they come from rabbits. Then we\u2019re hiding the eggs, waking up and pointing out where the eggs are to those same kids so they can \u201cfind\u201d them, and eating roasted pigs and chocolate candy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[16],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/341"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=341"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":344,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/341\/revisions\/344"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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\nOn a great side note, we were able to save a lot on dyes this year \u2013 SOBUMD was taking medication that turned her pee Smurf blue.\u00a0 I took my multivitamin and got neon lemon yellow; between us we had green.\u00a0 She figured she could use another pill that would turn hers red; the overlap from the blue would give us purple.\u00a0 What?\u00a0 Don\u2019t laugh.\u00a0 Do you know what part of the chicken those eggs come out of?\u00a0<\/p>\n