{"id":3276,"date":"2012-12-28T09:19:53","date_gmt":"2012-12-28T14:19:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3276"},"modified":"2012-12-27T14:09:04","modified_gmt":"2012-12-27T19:09:04","slug":"the-last-hobbesian-horoscope-122812","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3276","title":{"rendered":"The Last Hobbesian Horoscope, 12\/28\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday, and congratulations on having lived through the year, through the end of the Mayan calendar, and through the holidays!\u00a0 You’ve spent all of 2012 catching up with your own personal astrological future, through weeks that were, by and large, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.\u00a0 All the diseases were real, and there were several horrifying cases where some alert readers actually came down with a few of them –\u00a0after I’d told you that you would.\u00a0<\/p>\n

All of which is why I’m shutting down the Hobbesian Horoscope\u00a0with this one.\u00a0 With the coming of the new year,\u00a0we’re going to close the books on those nasty, brutish weeks and get back – by popular demand – to the Friday ManFAQ<\/a>.\u00a0 So\u00a0if you have a question you’d like answered,\u00a0send it to me at\u00a0BUMD@BigUglyManDoll.com<\/a> \u2013 your anonymity is guaranteed.\u00a0 While I will continue to help demystify the more malodorous gender for those of the gentler, this year as an exercise in helping new parents, we’re going to consider questions related to children as well – yes, that’s right:\u00a0 A KidFAQ.\u00a0 You know you want it!\u00a0<\/p>\n

The horoscope was a good experiment, and like any experiment, it’s had it’s ups and downs.\u00a0 Mostly, of course, downs.\u00a0 \u00a0It’s the goal of every horoscope to be accurate, but in this case it became a burden to stay true to its\u00a0nasty, dark Hobbesian nature\u00a0while not actually getting anyone\u00a0killed – at least, not permanently – since I came to realize that most of the entries actually came to pass, as written.\u00a0 I considered switching to an all sweetness and light format, but of course that doesn’t sell for shit.\u00a0<\/p>\n

So thank you for reading and commenting on your horoscopes all this past year! \u00a0This one final week promises to be\u00a0the very devil –\u00a0\u00a0but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Things will get bad.\u00a0 Then things will get worse, and you will run out of time and money.\u00a0 Yes, you will get stuck in Lodi.\u00a0 Again.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will find yourself living in a shotgun shack, wondering “My god, what have I done?”\u00a0 You will watch the days go by this week.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Whipworm.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, things will grow right under your feet, as you watch.\u00a0 Try to be careful with them.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0While the snow piles up around you, you’ll be wondering where you put your shovel.\u00a0 It’s where you left it, under all that snow.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 River Blindness.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is it – you’re going to end this week with a bang!\u00a0 Luckily, you’ll shoot back.\u00a0 It’ll be the loudest New Year’s Eve celebration in town!<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will be walking in the forest when a tree will fall right in front of it.\u00a0 You won’t hear a thing, but no one will believe you. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Pinworm.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will be stymied this week in your eternal quest for justice\u00a0when your iPhone turns into a brick just as you’re about to place the penultimate call.\u00a0 Better luck next time.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’re going to get better this week, and that trend will continue into a great new year.\u00a0 It won’t prevent you from contracting your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Burkholderia.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Oh, what a week is in store for you!\u00a0 Cupcakes and kittens and boots, oh my!\u00a0 Oh what a week – and what a year.\u00a0 Kittens in latex, baby.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week you will look at your spouse and say, “Do you know why no one can make a car that will get through a Popeye’s drive through chicken stand and home without breaking down?\u00a0 Because no one cares, that’s why!”\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Venezuelan Hemorrhagic Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is it – your last horoscope.\u00a0 Were you expecting fanfare?\u00a0 This will be a week like any other, until it ends.\u00a0 Ride it like a bear on a bull in a bar just outside Lubbock.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You know what your week will be like?\u00a0\u00a0 Sex.\u00a0 Are you going to complain about it?\u00a0 Nope.\u00a0 Your last remaining high-risk disease:\u00a0 Smallpox.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3276"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3276"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3276\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3413,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3276\/revisions\/3413"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3276"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3276"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3276"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}