{"id":3272,"date":"2012-11-30T10:52:53","date_gmt":"2012-11-30T15:52:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3272"},"modified":"2012-11-30T10:52:53","modified_gmt":"2012-11-30T15:52:53","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-113012","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3272","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 11\/30\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday, here at the arse end of November!\u00a0 It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will be stuck in an elevator with one of those people who can’t stop talking.\u00a0 After an hour, your ears will have fallen off and your mind will be ready to melt.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You’ll be faced with another Saturday night when you ain’t got nobody.\u00a0 You’ll have a little money, but you won’t get laid.\u00a0 You’ll wish you had someone to talk to.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Chromoblastomycosis.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a great week for driving.\u00a0 Not leaving, or arriving, just driving.\u00a0 Remember that the road is the destination, and the destination is the road.\u00a0 Except for the Dan Ryan Expressway – that’s just gonna suck.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0So there you’ll be, ready for that job interview, when your prospective employer hands you a cup of coffee to put you at your ease.\u00a0 When you drop it and splash scalding hot\u00a0coffee all\u00a0over her white open-toed high heels, how likely do you think your chances are of being offered the job?\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Human Ewingii Ehrlichiosis.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a great week to have your prostate checked.\u00a0 Don’t have one?\u00a0 Check someone else’s prostate.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Have you ever had the kind of week where you wind up in Las Vegas and never leave your hotel room?\u00a0 That’s the\u00a0kind of week you’re looking at, except you’re in Akron, Ohio.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Hymenolepiasis.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a great week for giving presentations.\u00a0 Do you remember that dream where you’re giving a presentation and realize you’re not wearing pants?\u00a0 You’re not dreaming this time.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week you will\u00a0identify most drinks by the second sip; you can tell the difference between single malt and Irish whiskey by smell alone.\u00a0 The problem – you’re 14 years old.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cirrhosis.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0It’s another tequila cupcake.\u00a0 Give the cats a\u00a0shot of whipped cream, and wonder why the cake pans always stick – just makes you sick.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week, the checkout boy at the grocery store is going to give you the hairy eyeball as you come through his line with a zucchini, a cucumber, a parsnip, a banana, and a carrot.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Keratitis.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’re going to have to pick up after yourself all week, since the maid’s on vacation.\u00a0 Sucks to be you, particularly since you’re a messy eater, aren’t you?<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You’ll wind up having to eat your words this week, after telling so many people that any 12 folks who can’t get themselves out of jury duty aren’t your peers – you’ve got jury duty. Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Marburg.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3272"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3272"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3272\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3345,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3272\/revisions\/3345"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3272"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3272"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3272"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}