{"id":3271,"date":"2012-11-23T10:08:25","date_gmt":"2012-11-23T15:08:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3271"},"modified":"2012-11-23T10:08:25","modified_gmt":"2012-11-23T15:08:25","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-112312","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3271","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 11\/23\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Black Friday!\u00a0 In the unlikely event that you are not still zonked out in a tryptophan coma, this is your weekly chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will be crushed beneath hoards of Wal-Mart shoppers looking to score the last few televisions advertised at prices usually seen at\u00a07-11 or as typographical errors.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Listeria.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Having overeaten yesterday, your gut will finally rebel against its perceived enemy, your stomach, and you will regret the very day you were born, to say nothing of the day you\u00a0ate all that turkey, which wasn’t really the problem, was it?\u00a0 It was the “oh, don’t worry,\u00a0there’s more in the kitchen” cheesy casserole, of which there\u00a0wasn’t really any more in the kitchen, because you single handedly ate the entire second dish by yourself, didn’t you?\u00a0 That’s what did it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will be gently nudged as you stand in line to shop the “sales” at Nordstroms on \u00a0Black Friday, which they call “Friday.”\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Helicobacter.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Good news – you will not lose more than a single limb in the scrum of bodies fighting over that stack of discount Starbucks gift cards.\u00a0 You don’t even drink coffee – you just can’t resist the word “sale,” can you?<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You will be physically overcome with cheer and good will as you listen to yet another motorcycle rigged\u00a0up to play “Jingle Bells” out of the tailpipes.\u00a0 Don’t worry, you’ll get over it.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Kawasaki Disease.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Libra plays a big role in your life this week as you fall in love with a girl with beautiful brown hair all the way down her back.\u00a0 None on her head, just down her back.\u00a0 Hey, love doesn’t judge.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Virgo plays a big role in your life this week.\u00a0 Time to break out the wig and glasses – lands them every time, doesn’t it?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Gonorrhea.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Your week will involve planning and executing many things, but\u00a0you’re going to have to “take that guy who\u00a0keeps pissing me off” off your list.\u00a0 You’re not allowed to just execute everyone\u00a0who makes\u00a0you mad, I’m afraid.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your week will be consumed with planning and cooking for an upcoming celebration, if you can block out the all-Christmas-all-the-time montage of noise from the outside world.\u00a0 Good luck.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Colorado Tick Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will get a phone call that will change your life.\u00a0 Unfortunately, it’s from the clinic.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0By Thursday, you will have lost all powers of speech, but your friends and family will assume that you’ve found a cure for\u00a0your Tourettes.\u00a0 You will be reduced to spelling out messages with the cookie cutters and baking the dough into sentences.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Clonorchiasis.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You haven’t even finished digesting that turkey and already you’re prepared to turn off the Christmas music with the .45.\u00a0 You’re not going to enjoy this, are you?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3271"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3271"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3271\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3336,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3271\/revisions\/3336"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3271"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3271"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3271"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}