{"id":3270,"date":"2012-11-16T09:15:10","date_gmt":"2012-11-16T14:15:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3270"},"modified":"2012-11-09T12:10:50","modified_gmt":"2012-11-09T17:10:50","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-111612","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3270","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 11\/16\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday!\u00a0 It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Barefoot through the glass again, naked and not what you’d call sober, and you wonder why you can’t get a Top Secret security clearance.\u00a0 Don’t just stand there bleeding, fool – call the ambulance.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week you will find that fountain you’ve been looking for all your life.\u00a0 You will throw the lucky penny you’ve been carrying around for the last 17 years into that fountain, in the center pool with a nice plunk<\/em> of a splash, making the one true wish of your heart.\u00a0 It won’t come true. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cellulitis.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You should really consider getting outside and walking more.\u00a0 Mind you, it’s colder than a, well, it’s very cold.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will be forced into a new project\u00a0in the office\u00a0this week, involving HSPD-12, which will doom your career since everyone knows that will never work.\u00a0 You will become bitter and angry – and that’s just by Wednesday.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Leishmaniasis.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0As an old school techie, you will be embarrassed this week when you try to access \/usr\/bin\/xzy&eh*if-sig_fault9\/ but instead go to \/usr\/bin\/xzy&fh*if-sig_fault9\/, causing a hole to open in the space-time continuum that can only be closed with the blood of a brindle calf harvested in pale moonlight.\u00a0 Good thing you keep that sort of thing in the fridge.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Far from the\u00a0gathering crowds, you’ll watch from a\u00a0distance as all the rest of the people you work with discuss the future this week.\u00a0 But you won’t care.\u00a0\u00a0Deep within you, the tortured soul of the artist you long to become will burst forth in a brightly colored collage of\u00a0light,\u00a0music, and some kind of yellow gunk.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Chagas Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0On Tuesday, you’ll realize that you can’t find your umbrella.\u00a0 On Wednesday, you’ll remember where you left it, and why you left it there.\u00a0 When you see it again on Thursday, you’ll deny it was ever yours and pretend you don’t know the person holding it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You’ve been working too hard.\u00a0 You should take at least 3 or 4 minutes off this week – you can probably schedule that for Wednesday.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Zygomycosis.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0It’s training, training, training this week, and while you don’t know what you’re training for, you know you’re going to compete in something soon.\u00a0 This week, pain is gain – feel the burn.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You outdoor plans will change from canoeing\u00a0to hiking to skiing, all in the space of 2 hours this week.\u00a0 Bring your parka, it’s cold out there.\u00a0 Better yet, stay inside and pour yourself another Scotch.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Chancroid Haemophilus.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0They say the pen is mightier than the sword,\u00a0and you’re going to have that proved for you this week.\u00a0 Well, not the pen so much as the word processor, and not because words cut deeper than knives, but because a word processor when\u00a0thrown out a 5th floor window will achieve a speed just faster than 62 miles an hour before it hits the ground just inn front of you, missing your head by inches.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week for taking your medicine as prescribed.\u00a0 You really can sleep when you’re dead – get back to work.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Mumps.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3270"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3270"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3270\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3326,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3270\/revisions\/3326"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3270"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3270"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3270"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}