{"id":3266,"date":"2012-10-19T21:47:53","date_gmt":"2012-10-20T02:47:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3266"},"modified":"2012-10-19T21:47:53","modified_gmt":"2012-10-20T02:47:53","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-101912","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3266","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 10\/19\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday!\u00a0 It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Standing on a corner this week, you will be struck by an epiphany.\u00a0 Also, the number 27 bus.\u00a0 This is *not* your best week.\u00a0 Just be glad it’s not your last!<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will finally apply for that Top Secret clearance this week.\u00a0 Boy howdy, will you ever regret that.\u00a0 Hooee.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Enterococcus.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will fall off the vegetarian bandwagon this week, reveling in glorious raw flesh, meat, sweet and full of flavor,\u00a0guilt, and marrow.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will become an overnight sensation this week when that YouTube video of you falling into the pool drunk with your clothes half off goes viral.\u00a0 And by “overnight sensation” I mean you’re fired.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Epstein-Barr.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will be invited to a birthday party.\u00a0 Yay for parties!\u00a0 The celebrant is turning 5 years old, a fact that you won’t realize until after you walk in with a gift-wrapped bottle of tequila.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will have a telephone delivery go so badly that T-mobile will have to\u00a0intercept the package.\u00a0 When you call them, they’ll give you UPS’s phone number.\u00a0\u00a0 UPS won’t be able to help you, because they’re still showing incomplete delivery info, because T-mobile has you listed under a made-up hyphenated name that is a butchering of your maiden name and married name.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Fasciolosis Fasciola.\u00a0 And also rage.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0As you review 10,000 photos, trying to decide which one will make the cut, you will realize that you’re going to be here all year at this rate and start applying filters willy nilly – eventually it ends with “Tits, or GTFO.”\u00a0 Don’t go there.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You really need to watch something other than crime TV – that’s not the world, that what the world watches.\u00a0 Besides, you’re too young to register a gun in your own name.\u00a0 Also, try to be nicer to people.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Fatal Familial Insomnia.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Bad news:\u00a0 you’re going to spend the week in front of a hot stove.\u00a0 Good news:\u00a0 Award winning cupcakes, baby!\u00a0 Do the work, win the prize.\u00a0 The world isn’t all bad.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will attend your first Toastmasters group meeting this week.\u00a0 Even they will\u00a0laugh and make\u00a0fun of you.\u00a0 Burn the speech, it’s\u00a0a dud. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Fifth Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will be forcibly abducted by realtors this week and made to watch\u00a0Househunters until blood comes out your ears, i.e., 3 episodes.\u00a0 They won’t let you go until you agree to close with no points.\u00a0\u00a0The only bright spot is that rates are really low right now…<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will have a great week, as long as by great you include high-end vacations like getting your hair cut, mowing the lawn, working on a proposal effort for the office, and working in your basement.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Gangrene.\u00a0 Mind that mitre saw!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3266"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3266"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3266\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3296,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3266\/revisions\/3296"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3266"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3266"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3266"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}