{"id":3264,"date":"2012-10-12T09:49:42","date_gmt":"2012-10-12T14:49:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3264"},"modified":"2012-10-13T15:11:10","modified_gmt":"2012-10-13T20:11:10","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-101212","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3264","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 10\/12\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy brisk October Friday!\u00a0 It’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The weather will get colder, but your wardrobe will not keep up.\u00a0 By Wednesday, that miniskirt will seem like a really bad idea.\u00a0 Particularly since it doesn’t quite hide your jockstrap.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Blastocystis Hominis.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Do you remember the scene in the horror movie when the soon-to-be-victim tries to scream, but they’re too scared and nothing comes out and they can’t move because they’re paralyzed with fear?\u00a0 Yes?\u00a0 You’re really not going to enjoy Thursday.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Looks like you picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.\u00a0\u00a0 Monday you’ll notice that\u00a0your bar is dangerously empty, but you won’t fill it.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Sixth Disease.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will try to learn a new software application this week, in one week flat.\u00a0 You will fail, of course, but hey – good on you for trying.\u00a0 It’s OK; nobody learns everything about SAP in a week except Chuck Norris.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a good last week to tune up the bike and light out for the open road – it’s getting cold out there.\u00a0 You won’t be cold, thought – your high-risk disease this week is\u00a0Brazilian Hemorrhagic Fever.\u00a0 (So named because someone once asked, “What’s her temperature?” and the answer was, “Oh man, she’s a brazilian degrees!”<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Have you ever been to Red Hot and Blue after hours, when they close the doors and lock the windows so no one can see that it’s not really pigs they’re cooking?\u00a0 You’re going to regret this on Tuesday, but not as much as you’ll regret the “Big Rib Special.”<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will find yourself faced with the words “the Smurfs are all geared toward a reading skill”\u00a0and you will\u00a0suddenly understand, with a terribly knowing, the meaning\u00a0of “learning through play.”\u00a0 You will never un-learn this, just like\u00a0your Virgo friend with the\u00a0rib platter.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Calicivirus.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0What are you doing reading this?\u00a0 Don’t you have work to do?<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Life goes on, and you’re coming along for the ride.\u00a0 It gets better, mostly, and for moderate values of “better,” but still.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cat-Scratch Disease.\u00a0 No, it’s not just a song.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You would like\u00a0a budgetary quote that you can run past your client.\u00a0 Your vendor would like a blank check and a promise of more to come.\u00a0 Your kid would like a tricycle and a teddy bear, and people in hell want ice water.\u00a0 Good luck with that.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is the week you finally realize you’ve been\u00a0manipulated all your life.\u00a0 Monday, you will confront your puppet master, only to find it’s some\u00a0guy named Mac who had no idea you were actually responding to his input – he\u00a0didn’t know you were real.\u00a0 Kill him, then confront your guilt. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Buruli Ulcer.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You will pay good money to hear a speaker from your own damn company talk about how they’re\u00a0going to find new ways to screw you, and then you’ll thank them for the privilege.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3264"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3264"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3264\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3294,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3264\/revisions\/3294"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3264"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3264"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3264"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}