{"id":3257,"date":"2012-10-05T21:10:41","date_gmt":"2012-10-06T02:10:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3257"},"modified":"2012-10-05T21:10:41","modified_gmt":"2012-10-06T02:10:41","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-10512","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3257","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 10\/5\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday and welcome to postseason baseball.\u00a0 We’re now well into the\u00a0short and nasty barrel of October, particularly if you’re a fan of the Atlanta Braves – it’s time to stop and reflect on just how awful the rest of the\u00a0month will be.\u00a0 The couldas.\u00a0 The shouldas.\u00a0 The infield fly rule.\u00a0 And that’s just the political debates.\u00a0 Either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This will be one of those weeks that makes you look back fondly at the good old days when you were constipated.\u00a0 You might want to postpone that road trip.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0I know you think it’s cool, but that hat is neither functional nor decorative.\u00a0 You look like a jerk in a hat.\u00a0 Lose it.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Neospora Caninum.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week to rock the benefits of sweaternomics, baby – it doesn’t matter how much the boots cost.\u00a0 The only thing that matters is how how they look with the dress you had to buy to go with them.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You are getting very sleepy.\u00a0 Follow this watch with your eyes.\u00a0 See the reflection of your soul as it ticks back and forth.\u00a0 You are very sleepy.\u00a0 OK, good.\u00a0 Now take off your clothes.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 African Sleeping Sickness.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week for introspection and thinking about next year.\u00a0 No, not really.\u00a0 It’s a good week for beer.\u00a0 Find a decent six pack – you’re going to need it.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your lucky numbers are nine and six, but your safeword is “harder.”\u00a0 This might\u00a0be a good week to think about changing that.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bacterial Vaginosis.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Looks like a good week for getting to that restaurant you’ve been talking about.\u00a0 Too bad they’re out of beer.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week for learning\u00a0the true meaning of crushing, incomprehensible defeat.\u00a0 I’m not saying you’ll enjoy it, mind you…\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Astrovirus.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you’ll see someone else riding around town with the girl you love, and you’ll be like, “Fuck you!”\u00a0 Sorry about that – I guess the change in your pockets just wasn’t enough for her.\u00a0 Why don’t you talk to your dad about it?<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Remember that book you sent out to the publishers nearly a year ago?\u00a0 Pop the bubbly, baby, you’ll finally get that rejection letter this week.\u00a0 The long wait is over.\u00a0 Time for another envelop.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Balantidiasis.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0I still can’t believe you’d go steal that Sagittarious’s girlfriend.\u00a0 Or should I say, outbid?\u00a0 Enjoy it while it lasts – she’ll never forget you ’til somebody new comes around.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Never admit anything.\u00a0\u00a0You may be offered the Nobel Peace Prize this week – duck.\u00a0\u00a0Tell them it wasn’t you.\u00a0 If you stick\u00a0your head up this week, it’s going to get shot at.\u00a0 You\u00a0know, like all the rest of the weeks.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Aspergillosis.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3257"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3257"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3257\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3265,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3257\/revisions\/3265"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3257"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3257"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3257"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}