{"id":3243,"date":"2012-09-28T18:15:04","date_gmt":"2012-09-28T23:15:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3243"},"modified":"2012-09-28T18:15:04","modified_gmt":"2012-09-28T23:15:04","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-92812","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3243","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 9\/28\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday, here at the end of September.\u00a0\u00a0As we stare down the short and nasty barrel of October, preparing for that long holiday slide into the new year, we need to stop and reflect on just how awful the next few months will be.\u00a0 The fruitcakes.\u00a0 The parties.\u00a0 The idiots.\u00a0 And that’s just the election.\u00a0 Either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The restaurant you’re planning to eat at will be condemned for health reasons\u00a0an hour before you get there.\u00a0 That’s not good news, since you recommended it so highly to your boss on the\u00a0way there.\u00a0 McDonald’s just isn’t the same kind of place for asking for a raise, is it?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Furunculosis.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Wow.\u00a0 All I can say is good luck this week – you’re going to need it!<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week for planning.\u00a0 Not all the plans will come to fruition, but you’ll be better for having made them – like a man, scorned and covered with\u00a0scars, still striving, with his last ounce of courage,\u00a0to reach the, um, you know, unreachable stars.\u00a0 And so forth.\u00a0 Sorry.\u00a0 Anyway, your high-risk disease this week is\u00a0Contagious Ecthyma.\u00a0 Don’t ask me how to pronounce it.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will feel like you’re in a maze this week, in your office, metaphorically speaking.\u00a0 You will look for the cheese, the rat poison, the Minotaur, anything to get you the hell right out of there, but you will not find it.\u00a0 They’ve moved your cheese, dude.\u00a0 Time to move on.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will find your own sense of meaning and purpose in 50 Shades of Grey.\u00a0 Mind you, that purpose may be to write\u00a0balls to the wall erotica that won’t make people with a college degree\u00a0cringe, but still, you know,\u00a0Purpose.\u00a0 Everything is better in Capitol Letters.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bovine Tuberculosis.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you need to consider\u00a0if\u00a0you’re carrying this whole “virgin” thing too far.\u00a0 The unicorns didn’t get on the Ark, you know that, right?\u00a0 You’re not going to catch one, and you’re missing out on a whole lotta hey hey!\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Your winning streak continues this week, which really goes against the grain of this Hobbesian horoscope, but hey, I calls ’em like I sees ’em.\u00a0\u00a0Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have a really lousy week soon enough.\u00a0 Enjoy it while you can! \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Equine Infectious Anemia.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week your friend will claim they got\u00a0a flat tire picking you up, making you late for dinner.\u00a0 If you confront them, they’ll hit you upside the head with a tire iron.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will be visited by 2 friends, 1 real friend, and the spiritual embodiment of Hello Kitty this week.\u00a0 Figuring out which is which is your problem.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Diphtheria.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0While you will, in fact, narrowly avoid death this week, it will cause you to ponder the meaning of life and the consequences of your actions.\u00a0 Introspection is NOT a good look on you.\u00a0 Have a beer.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will go to the movies this week, and accidentally sit down in the wrong theater and watch the wrong show.\u00a0 You’ll love it, but you’ll change your name to Midge before you admit it to your friends.\u00a0 Hey, gender is relative these days.\u00a0 Don’t sweat it.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Echinococcus Multilocularis.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, someone will finally ask you if you’ve\u00a0been making it all up this whole time.\u00a0 Have your deflector shields ready – they’re onto you!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3243"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3243"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3243\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3258,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3243\/revisions\/3258"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3243"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3243"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3243"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}