{"id":3236,"date":"2012-09-21T22:04:46","date_gmt":"2012-09-22T03:04:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3236"},"modified":"2012-09-21T22:04:46","modified_gmt":"2012-09-22T03:04:46","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-92112","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3236","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 9\/21\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday on the last day of summer!\u00a0 Tomorrow, the Equinox.\u00a0 Tomorrow, the beginning of the end of the year.\u00a0 Tomorrow, it all comes apart.\u00a0 Or, maybe it won’t, but either way it’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down!\u00a0 Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0That 3rd drink isn’t going to look like such a good idea\u00a0when viewed through the bottom of the fifth.\u00a0 I’m just sayin’, is all.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This is the week to fess up to Aunt Em that you haven’t lived in Kansas for a long time now.\u00a0 Hey, who knows, she might be more open-minded than you think!\u00a0 You’ll never know until she kicks your ass to the curb.\u00a0 Live a little.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Conjunctivitis.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins<\/em>):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This week, you will become reacquainted with your old friend Raalph.\u00a0 It’s so good to see him again, so to speak.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The price of being good at everything is that you have to keep doing it.\u00a0 This week, you\u00a0will break the bonds that chain\u00a0you to\u00a0your glorious destiny and take your willing\u00a0place\u00a0with the rest of us second-string\u00a0slackers.\u00a0 Hey, we have cookies! \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Lymphocytic Choriomeningitis Virus.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Remember that guy who always complained that the disinfectants smelled worse than whatever you were disinfecting?\u00a0 Remember the job interview you have lined up for this week?\u00a0 Small world.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Do you remember the feeling of having your nose dripping just a little in a socially awkward moment and you can’t reach the tissues and you don’t dare pick your nose and you can’t tell if your upper lip has started to glisten with the trail coming down your nose and it itches?\u00a0 Your whole week will be like that.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Curtobacterium Wilt.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Count the books on your shelf this week.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Count them a second time.\u00a0 More, aren’t there?\u00a0 You picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue, because you won’t know if it’s the DTs or if you’re really losing your mind this week.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0And that’s it, I’m afraid. There’s no more from you on the transcript, that’s the last I’ve got.\u00a0 I don’t know what stopped you talking but I can guess: they’re coming.\u00a0\u00a0Don’t blink.\u00a0 Don’t even blink.\u00a0 Blink and you’re dead.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cedar Virus.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week for trading material goods for happiness, or at least calm.\u00a0 Even if it doesn’t last, you’re putting your past behind you.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You run a very real risk of being arrested this week, just for having bootleg VCR tapes of Shogun behind the couch.\u00a0 Hint:\u00a0 stop pissing off your babysitter.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Erysipelas.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The clear crystal blue waters of the canals of Venice are beckoning you this week, singing, sighing, calling – come to me, come to me.\u00a0 Enjoy that dream, because if you ever get there you’ll find that the sludge in the Venetian canals is made of equal parts coffee and urine.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’re\u00a0coming down with the handy bug, which is making you think you can build, fix, or upgrade things that you should really know better than to touch this week.\u00a0 You’ve got an itch to hammer, a fever to ratchet, and a jonesin to screw.\u00a0\u00a0Good luck getting over the border.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 New World Screwworm.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3236"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3236"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3236\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3244,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3236\/revisions\/3244"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3236"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3236"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3236"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}