{"id":3174,"date":"2012-09-07T14:16:08","date_gmt":"2012-09-07T19:16:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3174"},"modified":"2012-09-07T14:16:58","modified_gmt":"2012-09-07T19:16:58","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-9712","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3174","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 9\/7\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy first Friday in September!\u00a0It won’t be happy, of course, but it’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp retort.\u00a0\u00a0 Or, maybe it’s not, but it is another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week you will be caught in the annual migration of the spider boxing butterflies, so named for their ability to go three rounds with any arachnid you can name, except on Sundays, when they refuse to fight are are eaten, but only under protest.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week will be halfway almost going on the verge of not too bad, following your failure to duck tomorrow.\u00a0 And, um, right now.\u00a0 Duck!\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Citrus Target Spot.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This will be a good week to try new means of transportation.\u00a0 Mind you, that will mean they’re new to you, not that they’re, you know, new.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Besides, if you can’t have an airplane, you can at least have a pilot!<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You should visit an oracle this week.\u00a0 Your fortune won’t be any better, but my friend the oracle gives me karmic kickbacks if I send folks his way.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Human Enterovirus 71.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will dream this week of the best BBQ you’ve ever had, then wake to the bitter realization that it was only a dream, mouth watering, yearning, drooling on your pillow.\u00a0 Roll over and go back to sleep in despair.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0The good:\u00a0 This week, you will turn to your friend and ask, “What is love?”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The bad:\u00a0 they will look at you and say, “Five feet of heaven and a ponytail.”\u00a0 The ugly:\u00a0 You’re taller and have a short bob.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Rinderpest.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0It’s going to be beautiful in the Cayman Islands all week.\u00a0 Won’t do you a damn bit of good, of course, but just in case you were wondering – yes, people there are having fun.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a great week for checking out new interests.\u00a0 Math, science, and foreign languages, for example.\u00a0 I’m not saying you’ll find them interesting, I’m just saying this is a good week for checking them out – whether you want to or not.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Snake Neurologic Respiratory Disease.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0 You will find yourself in a cheesy diner this week, staring at the menu and realizing that you want all of it.\u00a0 Everything looks good for a change.\u00a0 Unfortunately, you can only order one – the waitress is a “one mouth, one plate” kind of gal.\u00a0 Tipping her would be fun, but it’s still illegal.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will realize that your company will really go to the ends of the earth for its people.\u00a0 It will then hire its people for about 10 percent of the cost of Americans, and you’ll be let go before you can say Bangalore.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Mud Snail Neurotoxicosis.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will reach the apex of your career this week, and isn’t that a scary thought.\u00a0 After this, it’s all downhill, filling out your TPS reports and checking your 401K seventeen times a day, just like that old guy in your office no one likes to talk to.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0At least one photo a day. For a year.\u00a0 Or until 14 May 2012, whichever comes first.\u00a0 Don’t feel badly – some of us didn’t make it into March!\u00a0\u00a0 This is your week to rebound.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bunyavirus Disease.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3174"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3174"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3174\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3213,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3174\/revisions\/3213"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3174"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3174"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3174"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}