{"id":3141,"date":"2012-08-24T16:56:30","date_gmt":"2012-08-24T21:56:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3141"},"modified":"2012-08-24T16:56:30","modified_gmt":"2012-08-24T21:56:30","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-82412","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3141","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 8\/24\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Everything you print this week will have that stupid yellow line down the side, reminding you to go get a new toner cartridge.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0I’m just not feeling it this week, and neither are you.\u00a0 Nor will you.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 The hell with it.\u00a0 That goes double for Tuesday.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Pontiac Fever.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will find yourself this week back down the shore, in a\u00a0large, well-apportioned house just 100 yards from the crashing surf.\u00a0 The\u00a0weather will be great, the smell of the salt sea will be an aphrodisiac, and the sex will be amazing.\u00a0 Then you’ll wake up.\u00a0 Sorry about that.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You will spend all day Wednesday wondering what your life would have been like if you’d married that “cute but kinda crazy” one you dated in\u00a0college.\u00a0\u00a0 You will spend all\u00a0day Thursday stalking them on Facebook.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Legionnaires’ Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week will cause you shock and dismay as you try to wrap your head around the new Microsoft logo.\u00a0 I know it’s hard.\u00a0 You can get past this!<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0The project you’re on will be de-funded next week, on grounds that the funding was obligated for the wrong government fiscal year.\u00a0 The fact that this is not in fact true will not avail you.\u00a0 Time to polish your resume – leave this project off of it, though.\u00a0 It was a dud.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Eastern Equine Encephalitis.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You know that little black notebook app that you downloaded onto your phone and entered all that data about all those people, and what you *really* think about them?\u00a0\u00a0 You know that cab you’re going to take on Monday?\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 You might want to look into moving, because you’re not going to get a job in this town again.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a great week for finishing all the stuff you told your parents you had finished already.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Lethal Coconut Palm Yellowing.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This coming week promises to be accident free!\u00a0 You catch a buy this week; things will start to look up.\u00a0 Don’t tell the rest of the world – there isn’t enough happy to go around – but you’ll find some.\u00a0 And you don’t have to share it with anyone!\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This will be a week of lunches.\u00a0 Monday, lunch with your partner in crime.\u00a0 Tuesday, lunch with your lawyer.\u00a0 Thursday, lunch with your parole officer.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Capnocytophaga.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Everything you touch will look odd once you’re done with it this week.\u00a0 Words will look mis-spelled, water will taste funny.\u00a0 Don’t worry about it, it’s all part of\u00a0getting\u00a0older.\u00a0 Except for the mis-matched clothes, that is – that really does look goofy.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is your week to suffer.\u00a0 Luckily for you, you will suffer with a musical instrument and a bottle of beer.\u00a0 Hope for a decent sandwich. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Piscine Reovirus.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3141"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3141"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3141\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3156,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3141\/revisions\/3156"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3141"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3141"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3141"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}