{"id":3021,"date":"2012-08-17T08:19:51","date_gmt":"2012-08-17T13:19:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3021"},"modified":"2012-08-13T20:03:52","modified_gmt":"2012-08-14T01:03:52","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-81712","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3021","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 8\/17\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week for nosebleeds.\u00a0 Keep the tissues near and stay away from the shark-infested waters – they’re not averse to a few bogies if it means a decent meal.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 African Swine Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You’re a bull in a bear market, and a china shop this week.\u00a0 You’d better hope that was insured, because it costs more than your car.\u00a0 Better yet, don’t wait to find out – run!<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0It’s a good week for finishing up projects\u00a0before the house empties out.\u00a0 You won’t finish, but you’ll feel better for having made the attempt.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Potomac Horse Fever.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This week will be like a gladiolus – the weekend will show the promise of the top bulb, waiting to blossom; Monday and Tuesday will burst forth in amazing color and glory, and the week will end with the last, lowest flowers already wilting and moldering into decay and decrepitude.\u00a0 Thursday will particularly suck, just so you know.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your piano waits for you – still.\u00a0 It’s lurking, waiting for its time.\u00a0 You could have been the next Liberace, and this week that piano will make its one last try for the music of your soul.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Liberibacter.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0By Tuesday you’ll realize that the mosquito bite you got over the weekend was probably a spider bite.\u00a0 By Wednesday, you’ll realize that you should have gone to the ER on Tuesday.\u00a0 By Thursday, you will truly understand the deeper meaning of the words “irrigate the wound.”\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’ve never been pecked by a wild turkey before?\u00a0 Well, this week proves that there’s a first time for everything.\u00a0 Bring your gun, that’s what I say.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Besnoitiosis.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your summer has built up in intensity and excitement.\u00a0 All that’s over now; you’ll spend the week getting back to the grind, nose to the gristmill, shoulder to the wheel.\u00a0 Hey, it builds character.\u00a0 Tuesday in particular will be very character building.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, the only way to get by will be to take a picture of every kitten you see, then photoshop them all into little kitten latex outfits.\u00a0 Wednesday, break from this and try to envision yourself as a being of pure energy.\u00a0 You can’t, but mainlining\u00a0a shitload\u00a0of sugar will get you\u00a0close.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Cassava Brown Streak.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This will be a good week for finding new and inventive ways to blow out candles.\u00a0 I didn’t say painless, I said inventive.\u00a0 Good luck with that.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, while re-reading the Harry Potter books for the 13th time, you will realize that you’ve been pronouncing\u00a0those names wrong for years.\u00a0 Try to remember that only you called them that – no one else needs to know!\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Parvovirus.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The skin flaking off your shoulders does not mean you have an appealing personality, it means you’re an idiot with a sunburn.\u00a0 This week, try sunscreen for a change.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3021"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3021"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3021\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3143,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3021\/revisions\/3143"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3021"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3021"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3021"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}