{"id":3020,"date":"2012-08-10T08:24:53","date_gmt":"2012-08-10T13:24:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3020"},"modified":"2012-08-09T06:56:00","modified_gmt":"2012-08-09T11:56:00","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-81012","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3020","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 8\/10\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will find yourself asking the immortal question:\u00a0 “What is he *doing* down there?”\u00a0 Try not to be in a hurry to find out.\u00a0 Trust me.\u00a0 You’ll know soon enough.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This will be a good week for heron watching.\u00a0 Keep looking out your window.\u00a0 No no, keep looking.\u00a0 Go on, you’ll see one.\u00a0 And elephants, too.\u00a0 Just keep looking.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Potato Virus Y.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week\u00a0will continue your travels, albeit in a more restricted sense of the word.\u00a0 You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack, selling seashells out of the back of an unmarked white\u00a0van.\u00a0 Hey,\u00a0a few clams here and there, it adds up.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>As you face the lagoon on Tuesday, you’ll realize that everything you thought you knew about marine biology was waaaaaaaaay wrong.\u00a0 Try as you might to erase that view from your mind, you will go mad with the memory of those two fish with that osprey.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Sandfly Fever Virus.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0That unseasonable heat wave will break this week,\u00a0finally, after shattering\u00a0the previous record along with your plans for a garden.\u00a0 Don’t worry about it – your dreams will grow back.\u00a0 Your tomatoes, on the other hand, will need to be replanted.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Consider buying a house down by the sea this week.\u00a0 On Monday, price them out.\u00a0 On Tuesday, drive 9 hours to the shore and visit one of the houses you’re interested in; realize\u00a0the smell of salt water makes you ill.\u00a0 Wednesday, buy a pack of gum instead. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Leprosy.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week you will\u00a0experience\u00a0true desire for the first time in many years.\u00a0 Unfortunately, it will be a true desire to paint the outside of the house.\u00a0 Try very hard to resist\u00a0this\u00a0impulse; it ends badly.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This will be a good week for finishing projects and getting ready for your new life.\u00a0 Oh, wait, that’s next week.\u00a0 Never mind – this will be another good week for doing very little and just banging around.\u00a0 Despite your best efforts, you’ll be very, very busy.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0What can I tell you, other than I don’t think it can get any worse than it already is.\u00a0 Take one day at a time, and quit reading horoscopes – they’ll all bullshit.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week for sunrises – unfortunately, you’re going to be awake to see most of them.\u00a0 Good luck getting any rest with that new pet – you never knew a goldfish could make that much noise in the morning, did you?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Maedi-Visna.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Have you ever noticed how many of the star signs are tied to the ocean?\u00a0 Yeah, me either.\u00a0\u00a0You should stay away from\u00a0large bodies of water this week; it’s a good\u00a0week for drowning.\u00a0 You shouldn’t even put water in your Scotch this week.\u00a0 In fact, just stay indoors and don’t bathe.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Extendyour vacation this week, who knows?\u00a0 You might actually relax.\u00a0 Also,\u00a0put the phone down for a change.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Guava Wilt.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3020"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3020"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3020\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3100,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3020\/revisions\/3100"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3020"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3020"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3020"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}