{"id":3019,"date":"2012-08-03T22:06:18","date_gmt":"2012-08-04T03:06:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3019"},"modified":"2012-08-03T22:07:54","modified_gmt":"2012-08-04T03:07:54","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-8312","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3019","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 8\/3\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0It’s hot.\u00a0 It’s damn hot.\u00a0 It’s so damn hot that by Tuesday, you’re going to be able to feel the fleas in your underarm hair doing the backstroke in your sweat, that’s how damn hot it is.\u00a0 By Wednesday, you’re going to seriously consider shaving all the hair off your body.\u00a0 By Thursday, you’re going to look like that picture you took of yourself naked when you were 9, except taller and with more, um, places.\u00a0 (You should *really* delete that.)\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Influenza.\u00a0 How droll.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0I know you want to find a new project, but that’s not how life works.\u00a0 Or is it?\u00a0 Wednesday, you might have a shot at a new gig.\u00a0 Be sure not to tell anyone for weeks and leave both projects in the lurch when you decide to quit the rat race and become a neo-natal baby whispering monk.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0You will\u00a0take a grand trip this week!\u00a0\u00a0Your visiting schedule will be\u00a0wonderful and\u00a0sweet in direct proportion to your ability to shut up about your own feelings when faced with\u00a0lunatics.\u00a0\u00a0Smile.\u00a0 Nod.\u00a0 Move\u00a0on with your life.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Avian Hummingbird Pox.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You have no idea how badly you’ve screwed up, have you?\u00a0 You’re going to melt one of these days, and you won’t even know why.\u00a0 Go out for a beer with the boys on Tuesday, they’ve got something to show you.\u00a0 Hoo boy.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week will be good for placing bets on the outcome of Olympic sports that you’ve recorded on\u00a0your new PVR.\u00a0 As long as you know the outcome in advance,\u00a0now’s the time to bet the house when it comes to sexual\u00a0favors.\u00a0 On the other hand, your high-risk disease this week is\u00a0Dysentery, so this might not be the *best* week for that…<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You’re never going to read this anyway, and if you did, you probably wouldn’t get it.\u00a0 I don’t know why I bother some days, you know that?\u00a0 What’s the matter with you?\u00a0 Were you dropped on your head as a small child?\u00a0 Seriously dude, this week you need to log in, turn on, and drop out.\u00a0 You know, again.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You are about to embark on one of the most boring weeks in recent memory.\u00a0 Nothing will stand out.\u00a0 Once you get to Wednesday, you’ll think it’s Friday or Monday because the days will all run together that badly.\u00a0 This week is so boring, your high-risk disease will be\u00a0Bronchitis – which you’ve actually had recently.\u00a0 Try to look forward to next week’s horoscope – it’s the only thing that will get you through the doldrums of this interminable week.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Did you finish your work this week?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Will you finish it next week?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?\u00a0\u00a0The\u00a0answer to that question is left as an exercise for the student.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Other than your high risk of contracting\u00a0Vibrio Parahaemolyticus this week, things look good.\u00a0 Well, better.\u00a0 OK, not really, but there’s cupcakes.\u00a0 OK, you have to make the damn cupcakes yourself, but hey, cupcakes, amiright?<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Aries features heavily in your week, largely since they’re going to ask you to help them shave their entire body, and you’ll probably reciprocate.\u00a0 I know it’s tempting, since you’re both standing there wearing nothing but a razor and a smile, but you really, really don’t want to have sex with them this week.\u00a0 Give it time.\u00a0 Maybe next week.\u00a0 Wait for the itching to stop, if you get my drift.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Regardless of how badly your team is doing – and yes, they suck – you will still watch\u00a0when you can this week.\u00a0 They’re not\u00a0going to get any\u00a0better this week either.\u00a0 Watch the Olympics; at least\u00a0someone you can pronouce\u00a0will\u00a0win something.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Bud Rot.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will go on a long journey.\u00a0 You will bring your Billy Idol CD.\u00a0 \u00a0It won’t help.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3019"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3019"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3019\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3081,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3019\/revisions\/3081"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3019"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3019"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3019"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}