{"id":3018,"date":"2012-07-27T12:28:27","date_gmt":"2012-07-27T17:28:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3018"},"modified":"2012-07-27T12:28:27","modified_gmt":"2012-07-27T17:28:27","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-72712","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3018","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 7\/27\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday.\u00a0\u00a0 Have you ever noticed that your horoscopes become even more bleak and depressing when I have a cold?\u00a0 Well, no, how could you.\u00a0 But you can assume that if your upcoming week looks really nasty,\u00a0that I’m in a pretty bad mood.\u00a0 Also, you can assume since I’m mentioning this right now that you’re in for a rough one\u00a0– poor, nasty, brutish, and short don’t cover the half of it.\u00a0 But don’t let\u00a0that get you down! \u00a0Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The guilt you feel over cooking those lobsters this weekend will be mitigated only by your certain knowledge that they were all suicidal to start with.\u00a0 The female\u00a0lobster had watched every one of her 377 children get caught in traps and hauled to the surface, while the two males were tired of living in a world where no one understood their love.\u00a0 They all welcomed the killing steam,\u00a0the Old Bay seasoning, the oblivion, the butter.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em>Your office will be moved to a new building across the street, which will inexplicably add 45 minutes to your commute.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Encephalitis.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0All your plans will come to pass exactly as scheduled this week.\u00a0 Don’t you wish you’d planned for better things?\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0The dream you keep having about the yellow Post-it notes that seem to be taking over your desk will seem to\u00a0come true this week.\u00a0 By Thursday you will twitch involuntarily every time you see one.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Leptospirosis.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will watch every single televised\u00a0Olympic event this week, eschewing sleep and food, dining only on the\u00a0bitterness of knowing that for each event, every one of them, that could have been you.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Even sex will leave you feeling empty this week.\u00a0 Well, more empty than usual.\u00a0 Laughter will ring hollow, you will question friendships, you will\u00a0brood on a diet of fast food and anger.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Brucella Melitensis.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0That headache you’ve had for the last three and a half years will finally clear up.\u00a0 The bad news:\u00a0 she wants half.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0There won’t be enough coffee in the world for you to accomplish your goals this week, and even if there were, it would still taste like schoolwork with milk and sugar.\u00a0 Give it up and just surf the Internet, maybe you’ll find something inspiring.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Malta Fever.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You run a very serious risk of your cats eating your shoes this week.\u00a0 Since the only thing that cost more than the ensuing vet bills were the shoes themselves, you might want to check on Fifi’s food bowl twice a day.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will be given a list of hardware and software.\u00a0 All but one of the updates you make to these two lists will be wrong, and the only right one will be\u00a0too expensive. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Vesicular Stomatitis.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0All your favorite teams will lose this week, and the waiter who used to comp your booze will have been fired when you get to your local bar on Monday.\u00a0 Remember to bring cash for a change.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The guy who would have\u00a0offered you a book deal on your blog will read your most recent post on Wednesday and move on with his life.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Panama Banana Disease.\u00a0\u00a0 At least it goes with your hat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3018"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3018"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3018\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3071,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3018\/revisions\/3071"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3018"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3018"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3018"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}