{"id":3016,"date":"2012-07-20T15:00:27","date_gmt":"2012-07-20T20:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3016"},"modified":"2012-07-20T15:00:27","modified_gmt":"2012-07-20T20:00:27","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-72012","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3016","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 7\/20\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday – another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0It’s a marvelous week for a moon dance, but you won’t be dancing.\u00a0 You’ll be on the sidelines, watching other\u00a0people dance,\u00a0holding up the bar again.\u00a0 Don’t let it fall – after a few gin and tonics, that sucker really starts to rock, doesn’t it?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Jaundice.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0When you get pulled over for speeding this week, try looking at the cop and saying, “But the limit is 186,000 miles per second, officer.\u00a0 I wasn’t even approaching a measurable fraction of that!”\u00a0 As he handcuffs you, start yelling “The Higgs Boson made me do it!”\u00a0 Be sure to let us know how that works out for you.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This\u00a0will be a good week for getting your car cleaned.\u00a0 Unfortunately you won’t have to move it – the flash floods will clean it real good, yeah, inside and out baby.\u00a0 Budget for a new one. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Deformed Wing Virus.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Do you remember the other day when you decided you didn’t really need to pull the drapes before you changed clothes, and then you spotted that beautiful deer standing on the hill looking toward your house?\u00a0 He’ll be\u00a0back this week, and he’s bring you a dozen roses.\u00a0 Will you have the hart to tell him to buck off?<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Great news!\u00a0 This week, a set of ten platinum and ten gold coins will be ordered in your name!\u00a0 Unfortunately, they’re also being ordered with your credit card.\u00a0 They are not, however,\u00a0being sent to your address.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Plum Pox Virus.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Remember the\u00a0beautiful oak in your yard?\u00a0 Five words:\u00a0\u00a0high wind, insurance company, firewood.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This will be an interesting week for you.\u00a0 More than 18 people will “like” your status update on Facebook.\u00a0 This is interesting, since you don’t have a Facebook account.\u00a0 By Thursday, you’ll be downright Tweeting!\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Acinetobacter.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Sushi will sound really good on Tuesday.\u00a0 It will taste good, too.\u00a0 Good, however, probably\u00a0shouldn’t be used to describe that sushi, which you’re likely to find out later Tuesday evening, over the course of hours.\u00a0 You know all those magazines by your commode?\u00a0 Bring a copy of War and Peace; you’re going to have some time on your hands.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’ll see a marked increase in energy this week, since you’re going to start eating better.\u00a0 You won’t have much choice, the fast-food joint you’ve been munching at\u00a0will close “by order of the health inspector” on Wednesday. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Hoof Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’ve been busy this week, and next week looks like more of the same.\u00a0 You’re thinking about stopping to smell the roses.\u00a0 Don’t do it – you’re allergic.\u00a0 Just keep working.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will be asked\u00a0to rejoin your coven of highly trained adepts this week, a\u00a0signal honor since you pretty much cursed them all as you flounced out last month.\u00a0 Don’t be fooled, they\u00a0only want you for your body.\u00a0\u00a0Yes, you know what I mean. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0\u00a0 Witches’ Broom.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’re going to be nominated to another Focus Group this week.\u00a0 Try to stay awake for this one, OK?\u00a0 That was embarrassing.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3016"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3016"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3016\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3033,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3016\/revisions\/3033"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3016"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3016"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3016"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}