{"id":3010,"date":"2012-07-13T15:31:30","date_gmt":"2012-07-13T20:31:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3010"},"modified":"2012-07-13T15:31:30","modified_gmt":"2012-07-13T20:31:30","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-71312","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3010","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 7\/13\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday the 13th! \u00a0Love it or hate it, lucky or un, this Friday the 13th presages\u00a0another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 What kind of week are you in for?\u00a0 The kind of week that would make St. Francis of Assisi kick puppies.\u00a0 By Wednesday.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Speaking of Saints,\u00a0this week you will become the patron saint of getting a haircut and getting a real job, since you’re going to lose the one you have shortly.\u00a0 You didn’t enjoy working there anyway, and they were never going to promote you.\u00a0 In fact, you should quit before you’re fired.\u00a0 Show them who’s boss. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Coccidioidomycosis.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>You probably overdid it today, didn’t you?\u00a0 You’re going to pay for that next week.\u00a0 That morphine won’t last forever; you need to make sure you’ve\u00a0weaned yourself back to over-the-liquor-counter painkillers before\u00a0you run out.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Have you ever been in a cockpit before?\u00a0 How about a Turkish bath?\u00a0 No?\u00a0 Probably for the best, but you’re in for an interesting week.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Murine Typhus.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Tuesday will be spent repaying a Karmic debt, laying bricks in a small wall.\u00a0 Wednesday you will be spent, physically and emotionally, just from picking up and laying all those bricks, and of course from the screaming.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0After listening to your old Billy Idol mix tapes all day, you will find the date you’ve been\u00a0dreaming of on Monday evening.\u00a0 That date will be January 17th, 2034. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Lyme Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You think your life is a balancing act, and it is, but no one’s watching.\u00a0 It won’t matter that you’ve dropped a few.\u00a0 No one cares.\u00a0 No one gives a shit.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you run a very high risk of being turned into a fish.\u00a0 When life hands you fins, join the swim team.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Koi Herpesvirus.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0A little better every day, until the day the thigh-high boots go on sale, by which I mean Thursday.\u00a0 You know you want ’em.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You know that vacation you scheduled all those months ago?\u00a0\u00a0 You know that article you read about all the damn sharks off the Atlantic shore the other day?\u00a0\u00a0 You know how poorly you swim with one of your legs in the mouth of an animal the size of your car?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Ephemeral Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Technology is your friend this week, except for that virus you just downloaded, which is going to erase all your porn, which will in turn cause you to go out on that date Tuesday with the proverbial loaded gun, which will tell you that going home with\u00a0a girl named Marsha\u00a0is a good idea, which it isn’t, since her name isn’t really Marsha.\u00a0\u00a0It’s Steve.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your week will be filled with paperwork and the insane pursuit of a Top Secret clearance.\u00a0 Since you still haven’t cleaned up the debris from the meth lab<\/del> science experiment you tried to build in your basement, this is probably a bad idea.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Cucumber Mosaic Virus.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3010"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3010"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3010\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3017,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3010\/revisions\/3017"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3010"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3010"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3010"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}