{"id":3002,"date":"2012-07-06T13:22:40","date_gmt":"2012-07-06T18:22:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3002"},"modified":"2012-07-06T13:22:40","modified_gmt":"2012-07-06T18:22:40","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-7612","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=3002","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 7\/6\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday! \u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This will be another weekend spent cleaning up from the wretched derecho that whacked your house and trees.\u00a0 Mind your hands while you’re in the yard, because your high-risk disease this week is\u00a0Ulcerative Dermal Necrosis.\u00a0 Good luck with that.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You don’t really love that guy you make it with, now do you?\u00a0 We know you don’t love him, because we can see right through you.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>This is a good week for relaxing with some nice medicinal herbs, such as morphine.\u00a0 Take it easy, or at least pretend like you can take it easy.\u00a0 Your meds might help with your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Swimmer’s Itch.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You will have a new plan for every night of the week this week.\u00a0 Not one of them will work out the way you expect.\u00a0 Wednesday is likely to be particularly horrifying – consider just staying home.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Don’t worry about a thing.\u00a0 Those servers are fine, just fine.\u00a0 You just *think* that’s smoke you’re smelling; really, don’t worry about it.\u00a0 I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Glanders.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You will get sucked into writing proposals this week, for people you don’t like, on topics you’re not familiar with, that won’t win anyway.\u00a0 In other words, it will be like every other\u00a0Friday afternoon when you were hoping to leave early.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is the week you get to\u00a0tell everyone about their raises this year.\u00a0 Since none of them are getting more than the cost of living, I don’t envy your job.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Ciguatera.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Another week of mind-numbing drudgery punctuated by occasional bursts of baseball.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week you may be sucked into\u00a0believing that you can’t do it.\u00a0 You can, actually.\u00a0 You won’t, but you could have.\u00a0 Don’t sweat it – nobody else really does it either. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Vibrio Vulnificus.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You know that lady with the really loud, obnoxious voice that you can’t stand, but she’s one of your clients so you have to pretend to like her, even though she has nothing to say that really makes any damn sense at all?\u00a0 Right, stuck in the elevator with her.\u00a0 Don’t fake fainting, she knows CPR – and you *won’t* enjoy it.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 That guy who called you last week?\u00a0 He’ll be calling every day this week.\u00a0 By Wednesday, you’ll need a restraining order.\u00a0 By Friday, you’ll need a shrink.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Equine Hendra Virus.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0 This is a good week for nice people to give you free stuff.\u00a0 Also, consider getting a taller ladder next time – that siding won’t repair itself!\u00a0 Don’t break this one, ok?\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3002"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3002"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3002\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3009,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3002\/revisions\/3009"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3002"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3002"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3002"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}