Tonight, I opened a fortune cookie that came with my Chinese food.\u00a0 (SOBUMD is well enough to eat soft foods, into which category Hunan Tofu easily falls, and for which we are grateful and happy.)\u00a0 I ate the end off the cookie, as is my custom, and peered into the hollow center like a gunfighter, knowing not what fate awaits me – knowing only to be brave, to face the cookie’s fortune for good or for ill.\u00a0 (It is this “fate should not tempt me” attitude that lets me craft your Horoscopes every Friday with the frightening accuracy to which you’ve become accustomed.)<\/p>\n
My cookie was empty.\u00a0 There was no paper, no fortune, no future.\u00a0 No, I hadn’t eaten it.\u00a0 (Yes, I checked under my tongue.)\u00a0 What kind of fortune awaits the man with no fortune at all?\u00a0 The mind quails.<\/p>\n
“Man, the budget cuts are really hitting everyone hard,” says the Human Tape Recorder.\u00a0 “Don’t worry, I’ll share mine with you!”\u00a0\u00a0 So saying, she breaks open her cookie and goes to hand me part.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“It’s not actually the ‘cookie’ part of the fortune cookie in which I seem deficient tonight…”\u00a0I said.<\/p>\n
“Oh, right, sorry,” she says.\u00a0 “Here’s the fortune,” and here she pulled out the tiny slip of paper on which could depend our lives, and read as follows:<\/p>\n
The weather is wonderful.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n “What the hell kind of prediction is that?” she asked.\u00a0 “I bet they don’t ship this one to Seattle.\u00a0 The budget cuts are worse than we thought –\u00a0they can’t even afford actual fortunes anymore.”<\/p>\n I’m just going to retire and let\u00a0the 13-yr-old\u00a0write the jokes for a while.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’m just going to retire and let the 13-yr-old write the jokes for a while.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[61,47,3,49],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2988"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2988"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2988\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2992,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2988\/revisions\/2992"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2988"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2988"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2988"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}