{"id":2966,"date":"2012-06-29T16:05:40","date_gmt":"2012-06-29T21:05:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2966"},"modified":"2012-06-29T16:05:40","modified_gmt":"2012-06-29T21:05:40","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-62912","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2966","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 6\/29\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday! \u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You’re actually going to be drafted this week.\u00a0 The Army doesn’t care how old you are, you were overlooked back then and they’ve finally found you.\u00a0 Lucky for you they won’t have to waste time shaving your bald head.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Hogs on the Hill, 8494 Liberia Ave.\u00a0 Bring the money, just like we talked about.\u00a0 Don’t go to the police.\u00a0 Order the ribs with sausage on the side and cough into your left hand twice.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Serratia Marcescens.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 It’s going to be another Holy week for you.\u00a0 And yes, of all the puncture-wound related jokes in all the world, I went for holy.\u00a0 Look on the bright side – the worst thing that can happen this week is that you run out of pain meds.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This week, you will find out how cool you can be when its a hundred degrees in the shade, and there’s no shade.\u00a0 Stay cool.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Infectious Hematopoietic Necrosis.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 That hat really becomes you.\u00a0 It’s a problem, since now you have a hat-based doppelganger walking around pretending to be you and running up your bar tabs.\u00a0 God help you if it gets hold of your credit cards.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This week you’ll need a strong hand, a light touch, and quick fist to get what you want.\u00a0 Take it – you earned it.\u00a0 Or, you will have by the time you punch the lights out of the person in front of you in the grocery store.\u00a0 They totally deserve it.\u00a0 Hit somebody.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Rubella.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You will take a great journey over a mighty water.\u00a0 Too bad for you, you’re coming home, not going there.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0It’s a good week to collect on your debts and keep working your magic.\u00a0 Someone will notice eventually.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Sapovirus.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 MOAR MEDS.\u00a0 It’s a good thing.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week you will find yourself in a crisis of self:\u00a0 What is a sea-goat, anyway?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Fusarium Endophthalmitis.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week will be the dawning of the age of you, baby – it’s all about you.\u00a0 Enjoy it while you can; it won’t last.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0 You will find the difference this week between having a decent web site and having a decent beer.\u00a0 Hint:\u00a0 about $1500.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Hop Stunt Disease.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2966"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2966"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2966\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3001,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2966\/revisions\/3001"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2966"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2966"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2966"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}