{"id":2952,"date":"2012-06-22T10:28:40","date_gmt":"2012-06-22T15:28:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2952"},"modified":"2012-06-22T10:28:40","modified_gmt":"2012-06-22T15:28:40","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-62212","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2952","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 6\/22\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday! \u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Remember those piano lessons your mother made you take as a kid?\u00a0 Remember how mad you used to get that you weren’t outside playing in the yard instead?\u00a0 None of that will be important when the piano falls off the back of that truck onto your car this week, but at least you’ll know it’s a B flat as it hits.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bacterial Ring Rot.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You will complain about every little thing this week – so what if he wants to use the rolling bio-hazard container for a desk?\u00a0 It’s from Rubbermaid, right?\u00a0 How dirty could it be?<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The<\/em> Twins):\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This is a week for getting better.\u00a0 You won’t enjoy it much, mind you, but just like eating vegetables, it’s for your own good.\u00a0 Yes, even the chest tube is for your own good.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Oilseed Rape Clubroot.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This is a good week to get that cough checked out.\u00a0 You don’t sound too good, you know that?<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Another Saturday night, another five Benzoin applicators and electrode packs.\u00a0\u00a0But you can stop anytime, right?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Blast Disease.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Most people call it “the day we find another stash and get stupid until some skinny Goth chick enlightens us by showing us her world in a dark alley” – you just call it Tuesday.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Move your feet, move your feet, move your feet.\u00a0 OK, now cough.\u00a0 Deep breath – good.\u00a0 You;ll get used to the new hair color by next Thursday.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Paramyxoviruses.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This is a great week for being helpful – you will find you derive great joy by helping around the house, making sure other people’s lives are easier, and generally being more cheerful than usual.\u00a0 And by “derive great joy” I mean someone is likely to give you $10 bucks.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 They said they sanitized the room, but you can still smell that, can’t you?\u00a0 Tell them to get back in there and clean it again – this is a service industry, damnit.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Usutu Virus.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your night nurse won’t look a thing like your day nurse.\u00a0 Stop thinking about that – that only happens in cheesy porn flicks.\u00a0 No, really – you’re not going to get a sponge bath with a happy ending here.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0On Tuesday, you will make pasta.\u00a0 When you stare at it on your plate, it will seem like it’s moving, and creep you out enough that you won’t eat it.\u00a0 You’ll try again with the leftovers Wednesday, but it won’t help – creepy pasta can’t be fixed by any human agency.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Echinococcosis.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0 It’s a good week for staying on top of things, but you probably won’t, although you’ll want to.\u00a0 Things are going to change.\u00a0 Oh, and you’ll owe that Scorpio $10 bucks by next Friday.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2952"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2952"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2952\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2973,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2952\/revisions\/2973"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2952"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2952"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2952"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}