{"id":2848,"date":"2012-06-15T08:07:15","date_gmt":"2012-06-15T13:07:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2848"},"modified":"2012-06-14T15:26:54","modified_gmt":"2012-06-14T20:26:54","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-61512","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2848","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 6\/15\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday, halfway through June and halfway through the year! \u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You’ve been getting high on life, but you’re building up a tolerance, aren’t you?\u00a0 Just doesn’t seem to be enough anymore, huh?\u00a0 This week, try a new tack.\u00a0 A thumbtack.\u00a0 One good shot of pain in your thumb ought to make you happy you don’t do that<\/strong> every day.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0All your decisions this week will be wrong.\u00a0 Your best bet is just to stay inside and call in sick every other day this week, contemplating\u00a0your abject longing for acclaim and why your mother never called you by your real name.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Theileria.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 You’ll find this is a great week for getting plugged with tubes and wires, sawed open, stitched up, and sent off for field training as the next Bionic Woman.\u00a0 You’re Jamie Freakin’ Sommers, baby!<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0That purchase order you submitted will be audited next week.\u00a0 Be prepared to justify your department’s “need” for 60,000 feet of tram cable and 27 tubs of Crisco.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Nodding Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 The bad news: You’re going to get your\u00a0undies in a\u00a0bunch this week.\u00a0 The good news:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’re going to get your\u00a0undies in a\u00a0bunch of\u00a0sauce, because hey, they’re edible!\u00a0 You can\u00a0serve them for dinner on Wednesday; if anyone asks, tell them it’s chicken.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Your boating excursion this week will end with what can only be called Close Encounters of the Bird Kind:\u00a0 you will be an unwilling participant in a dramatic reenactment of Leda and the Swan.\u00a0 The bad news?\u00a0 You’re not the swan.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Bogia Syndrome.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Remember all that money you bet on I’ll Have Another to win the Belmont?\u00a0 Remember how\u00a0the bookie skipped town when the horse didn’t even run?\u00a0 Next week will be just like that.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Hey, it’s a good week to sleep in.\u00a0 You’re not going\u00a0to, because you need to stay active, but\u00a0it would have been a good week for it anyway.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Sponge Orange Band.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Your week centers on shoes, cupcakes, and thigh-high Hello Kitty boots.\u00a0 You will might not be on time where you’re going, but you’re going to look DAMN good\u00a0when you get there.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Tuesday you will become reacquainted with San Pellegrino water, unfortunately by falling into some of it.\u00a0 Don’t worry, it’s good for your hair. Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Sclerotinia Subarctica.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will have that dream again, where you’re on a 3-hour teleconference with people who can’t stop asking questions that they should\u00a0 already\u00a0know the answers to and won’t take them offline.\u00a0 Oh, wait, that’s not a dream, that’s your Thursday.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You will find yourself trapped in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.\u00a0 You are likely to be eaten – enjoy it, since you’ll be eaten first.\u00a0 It’s a high honor.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Huanglongbing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2848"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2848"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2848\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2951,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2848\/revisions\/2951"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2848"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2848"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2848"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}