{"id":2841,"date":"2012-06-08T08:16:52","date_gmt":"2012-06-08T13:16:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2841"},"modified":"2012-06-08T08:16:52","modified_gmt":"2012-06-08T13:16:52","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-6812","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2841","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 6\/8\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday!\u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 The Good:\u00a0 This week you’re going to party like it’s the end of the world.\u00a0 The Bad:\u00a0 You might as well, because guess what?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Respiritory Syncytial Virus.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0 <\/em>The camera never lies, never blinks, and never needs to take a break to just run out for one quick cigarette and maybe a cheeseburger, which is more than you’ll be able to say this week when the film crew from 60 Minutes shows up outside your front door.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Vegetable juice figures highly in your life this week; consider adding booze to it – you’re going to need it.\u00a0 Spend the week cleaning lightly – no one really notices the stains, so it’s not worth bending over to scrub them.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Filariasis.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0 <\/em>You will descend, this week, from the first enclosure, down to the sub-basement.\u00a0 Be careful how you enter that wide-gated, storm filled room – you could find yourself stuck, and then where would you be?\u00a0 Right there in the sub-basement, right.\u00a0 Anyway, you won’t like it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The Good:\u00a0\u00a0You will have your own library this week, as though you didn’t have one before.\u00a0 The Bad:\u00a0\u00a0You have to share it with the ravens, who feel propriatarily\u00a0about many of the books.\u00a0 The Ugly:\u00a0 They talk, and they’re going to be offended if you\u00a0don’t talk back.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Beak & Feather Disease.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Your\u00a0lover will ask you to please eat more pineapple and mint leaves this week, making you seriously reconsider your plans to leave them.\u00a0 Stay the course!\u00a0 But you might want to wait another two weeks before you dump them on the front porch.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0 You’ve been\u00a0pressing forward a long time.\u00a0 It’s been a tough slog, but you’ve persevered.\u00a0 Your\u00a0hard work and determination\u00a0will seem to be rewarded this week, when you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.\u00a0 It’s not just a cliche, though – that really is a dragon coming your way.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Prion Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This week you will be tested to within an inch of your life.\u00a0 You will be out of your mind with worries of failure, of never living up to expectations, of having forgotten the capitol of Serbia.\u00a0 Do everything your parents always told you to do and you might win through to the victory.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Will the suitors never stop throwing themselves at your booted feet?\u00a0 You tell them all they are too late, but still they come, more this week, dashing themselves on the rocks of your disdain.\u00a0 They were never going to be good enough anyway.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Strangles.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0 Tuesday, you will return a computer network cable for a different<\/em> computer network cable, which will also not fix your problem.\u00a0 Your problem is that you’re too fucking stupid to use that thing, and no cable is going to fix that.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0There will be a knock on your door Monday.\u00a0 Don’t answer.\u00a0 It’s opportunity, but it’s an opportunity to buy into a great deal on an investment property with a time-share option that you really need to think about!\u00a0 Just don’t answer.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Shigellosis.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0 This week, you will write a poem.\u00a0 If it’s anything like the drivel you wrote last week, remember to burn it along with the others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2841"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2841"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2841\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2849,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2841\/revisions\/2849"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2841"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2841"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2841"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}