{"id":2796,"date":"2012-05-18T19:45:15","date_gmt":"2012-05-19T00:45:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2796"},"modified":"2012-05-18T19:45:15","modified_gmt":"2012-05-19T00:45:15","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-51812","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2796","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 5\/18\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday!\u00a0\u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0By Wednesday, the noise from your computer will drive you to such distraction that you will totally flip and turn it off with your 9mm.\u00a0 The good news:\u00a0 HR will decide not to fire you.\u00a0 The bad news:\u00a0 your entire office will call you Elvis as long as you work there.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You’ll have your hair done up right and you’ll look your best, but you’re still going to look like an idiot standing there with 63 eggplants and a beet in the checkout line.\u00a0 When the cashier asks you what the heck you’re doing, tell her it’s a math problem.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Angiostrongylus Cantonensis.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):\u00a0 <\/em>On Tuesday, you’ll get a chance to pulverize your enemy, your worst nightmare.\u00a0 Too bad that your enemy is a kidney stone\u00a0the size of a VW bug.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will be taking over for your parents sooner than you think.\u00a0 Remember the song about the palindrome?\u00a0 It won’t be nearly as funny then, will it Bob?\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Psittacosis.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0 Your week will be filled with magic, wonder, and a vague sense of longing and despair.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You are a wonderful, generous person and your friends are about to\u00a0completely take advantage of that, probably in mid- to late June.\u00a0\u00a0 You can teach anyone anything,\u00a0but this week\u00a0an old dog will\u00a0test your new tricks.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Newcastle Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will need to start a charcoal fire later this week, but you can’t start a fire without a spark.\u00a0 You will need a match, but you’re matchless.\u00a0 Serves you right.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week you will be tested to within an inch of your life.\u00a0 You can pray to Sol, the sun god, for illumination, but you will only dream of breaking tip after tip off your number two pencil.\u00a0 Lead, lead, they’re spelled the same.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Vibrio Fluvailis.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Some people have to run away to Canada.\u00a0 What will you do if you’re already there?\u00a0 This week, find out.\u00a0 When in doubt, let it ride.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You are the entertainer in your house, but your piano will crap out this week, and your voice with it.\u00a0 Tickle the ivories with your coattails, it’s to no avail.\u00a0 \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Roundworm.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 You’ve heard people say that you have a photographer’s eye, and you know it’s true.\u00a0 He’s coming back this week, though, and if you don’t turn yourself in, the riot squad will finish this, you sick fuck.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The stars say that you’ll take a few days off this week.\u00a0 Your boss says you’ll probably answer most of your email, and your officemates have a pool betting that you can’t go more than 3 hours without responding to your mail.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Infectious Salmon Anemia.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2796"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2796"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2796\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2811,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2796\/revisions\/2811"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}