{"id":2774,"date":"2012-05-11T09:30:38","date_gmt":"2012-05-11T14:30:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2774"},"modified":"2012-05-11T06:53:24","modified_gmt":"2012-05-11T11:53:24","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-51112","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2774","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 5\/11\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy Friday!\u00a0\u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This is a good week to wear your wolf suit and make mischief of one kind and another.\u00a0 Sure, you may be eaten up or sent to bed without eating anything, but there’s probably a private boat in it for you.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Maize Redness.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Monday doesn’t look like a good day for you.\u00a0 You will find yourself in a dark place.\u00a0 It will be very dark.\u00a0 You will not be able to find a light.\u00a0 You are\u00a0likely to be eaten by a grue.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week you will sail through night and day, in and out of weeks, and almost over a year.\u00a0 If you cannot remember the magic trick of staring into peoples eyes without blinking once, you could be consumed by the wild things during the rumpus.\u00a0 If you can<\/strong> remember, you could be made king, or queen – your choice.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Tubulointerstitial Nephritis.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week you will complete your little “weather control” machine, won’t you, Mr. Cleverdick Inventor?\u00a0 That’ll be great, just great, when you realize you’ve got it stuck on “more rain” and you can’t switch it off for the torrential downpour.\u00a0 You’ve doomed us all, you fool!\u00a0 Oh, and your lucky number is 3.\u00a0 But you’re still a knob.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0 Is it really better to be a live jackal than a dead lion?\u00a0 Wednesday, you’re going to find out.\u00a0 Good luck with that.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Pertussis.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Four words:\u00a0 Dictionary, Passport, Windows Vista.\u00a0 You’re going to need to flee the country this week; make your checklist now.\u00a0 They know all about you, and the noose is tightening!<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week you get to ride a roller coaster!\u00a0 Up and down, and over and under and puking all over yourself.\u00a0 The bad news – it’s an emotional roller coaster.\u00a0 You’re still vomiting, though.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Anthracnose.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You don’t sleep enough.\u00a0 This week will be no exception, except for the parts of the weekend where you sleep past noon.\u00a0 This will not help.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 On\u00a0Tuesday, that new kitchen gizmo you ordered will show up in the mail.\u00a0 “Some assembly required” means that it will come with a little plastic packet containing four 5\/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6\/93 inch boxcar prawns.\u00a0 You will need a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.\u00a0\u00a0 Good luck.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Babesiosis.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You should come out for gay marriage this week, and then explain to everyone\u00a0that you supported gay marriage before it was cool.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Do you know how sometimes you tell people how awful your day was, and they say something like, “sucks to be you?”\u00a0\u00a0All I can say is, try to watch out for that box of thumbtacks, because Thursday, it’s going to really suck to be you.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Tickborne Relapsing Fever.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will roar your terrible roar, gnash your terrible teeth, roll your terrible eyes, show your terrible claws, and fucking eat<\/strong> anyone who can’t meet your eyes without blinking.\u00a0 Eat them\u00a0no matter how eloquent they may be, nor whether or not they can spell worth a damn.\u00a0 If they drop their eyes, kill them and eat them.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2774"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2774"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2774\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2791,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2774\/revisions\/2791"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2774"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2774"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2774"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}