{"id":2759,"date":"2012-05-04T13:49:36","date_gmt":"2012-05-04T18:49:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2759"},"modified":"2012-05-04T13:51:51","modified_gmt":"2012-05-04T18:51:51","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-5412","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2759","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 5\/4\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy First Friday in May.\u00a0\u00a0May the 4th be with you, and also with Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys.\u00a0\u00a0Here is, once again, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week, you will realize that what you really like is girls – the way that they walk, the way that they talk, and you will try to make them smile from White Castle to the Nile.\u00a0\u00a0 You will fail; your friend Mike will not.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 That wasn’t a unicorn, and that wasn’t\u00a0his finger either.\u00a0 This week you’ll finally have to\u00a0admit that the light at the end of your tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Syphilis.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This is a good week for eating vegetables, but you’ll need to remember to set the brake.\u00a0 Your lucky number will be 43 on Tuesday.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This week, you will put your left leg down, your right leg up, and tilt your head back and finish your cup.\u00a0 You will be offered Moet and Chivas, but you will bring Brass Monkey to the castle in Brooklyn where you dwell.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Trypanosomiasis.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0 So hungry, but it’s never enough, is it?\u00a0 How many this week?\u00a0 How many more until you’re satisfied?\u00a0 Your lucky number this week is 13.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 Your in-laws will be visiting this week, and on Wednesday one of them will\u00a0burst in on you and\u00a0ask, “What’s that noise?”\u00a0 Your best response is to explain that they’re asking out of jealousy, since you’re playing the\u00a0Beastie Boys.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Botulism.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0You will take a long trip this week, but it’s not going to be fun – the people behind you will play loud music all the way.\u00a0 You will get no sleep till Brooklyn.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0You will wake up late for school, and you will not want to go.\u00a0 You will ask your mom (“Please?”) but she will still say no.\u00a0 This week, you will have to fight for your rights.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Tuberculosis.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This is a good week to read.\u00a0 Remember that Dale Carnegie book you picked up last summer?\u00a0 Screw it.\u00a0 When was the last time someone expressed honest admiration for your hobbies, huh?\u00a0 Fat lot of good they were.\u00a0 You know what, just put your feet up and have a drink – just one – and then get a good night’s sleep.\u00a0 You deserve it.\u00a0 The week after next can suck instead.\u00a0 Take the week off.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Do you remember the monkey they shot into space in the mid-1960s?\u00a0 Yeah?\u00a0 Do you remember where it came down?\u00a0 No, of course not, because it never did.\u00a0 Well, this week, monkey’s coming home, if you\u00a0know what I’m saying, and he’s\u00a0headed for your car.\u00a0 Space monkey is falling for you, hard, and man is he pissed.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Wellfleet Bay Virus.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This week, your father will catch you smoking and tell you, “No way!” despite the fact that he\u00a0smokes two packs a day.\u00a0 You will realize what a drag living at home can be when your mother deletes your pornographic Internet browsing history.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0By Monday morning, you will have added a new notch to your resume and sixteen different kinds of\u00a0interesting\u00a0Chinese teas to\u00a0your kill-wall.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The downside:\u00a0 You’re going to lose weight, fast.\u00a0 Do you remember “Thinner?”\u00a0 \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Sweet Chestnut Blight.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2759"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2759"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2759\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2775,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2759\/revisions\/2775"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2759"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2759"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2759"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}