{"id":2754,"date":"2012-04-27T12:35:25","date_gmt":"2012-04-27T17:35:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2754"},"modified":"2012-04-27T08:07:09","modified_gmt":"2012-04-27T13:07:09","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-42712","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2754","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 4\/27\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s the last Friday in April – the month has flown by!\u00a0 Here’s to hoping the most dire of your horoscopes failed to come to pass.\u00a0 But read on, dear friend, for here is once again another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 Good news bad news – your dreams will come true this week.\u00a0\u00a0 Unfortunately, it’s the dream you keep having about getting caught in the office break room without your clothing.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Red Tide.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Today, you can fly!\u00a0 Tomorrow, though, you’re going to want to lay in a supply of Percocet.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This is a good week to get that surgery scheduled.\u00a0 Come on, you know you want to!\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Rotavirus.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This week will be lucky for you, in that you will touch wood three times.\u00a0 Mind you, one of those times will be as the tree comes through your roof…<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0 It’s OK to tell your friends that you’ll meet them at that bar on Wednesday and then not show up.\u00a0 They were going to stand you up anyway.\u00a0 In fact, no one goes to that bar anymore.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Sarcocystis Calchasi.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0You know that week where it seems like every time you need to use the bathroom, the cleaning crew is in there blocking it and the stairs are blocked off for construction and the elevator doesn’t work?\u00a0 Yeah?\u00a0 Well, this is that week.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0This week your life will take an interesting turn.\u00a0 Left.\u00a0\u00a0Then another left.\u00a0 Then right at the light.\u00a0 Then straight for about 3 miles, and then left\u00a0when you see ol’ Roscoe (he’s a hound dog) barkin’ at the corner.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Sorghum Smut Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):<\/em>\u00a0 This week you will learn the glory and the horror that is global search and replace,\u00a0as you try to change the gender of your main character and the word “hits” becomes “shits” in several dozen places.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0 This week, you will come to truly understand the deeper meaning of the terror implicit in those immortal words:\u00a0 “Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance!”\u00a0\u00a0 Touch it.\u00a0 Touch the monkey.\u00a0 You know you want to.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Spotted Fever Rickettsiosis.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0 By Wednesday of this week, you’ll understand the difference between having your head in the clouds and just daydreaming.\u00a0 Don’t worry, the bruises will fade with time, and it’s probably not broken.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0Not everyone you meet this week will consider your mere presence to be a\u00a0walking requirement to shut down the\u00a0nearest bar – but most of them will.\u00a0 Play your cards right and you\u00a0won’t\u00a0pay for a drink all week.\u00a0\u00a0Good thing you can remove your prosthetic arm at the shoulder – you won’t wake up that troll\u00a0getting out of bed the next morning.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Staphylococcal Enterotoxin.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):<\/em>\u00a0 If your manager quits this week, you might think about applying for the job.\u00a0 Careful what you wish for, it’s a hot seat – but then you like to keep your rear nice and warm, don’t you?\u00a0 Run.\u00a0 Run while you can!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2754"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2754"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2754\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2760,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2754\/revisions\/2760"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2754"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2754"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2754"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}