{"id":2726,"date":"2012-04-20T17:41:25","date_gmt":"2012-04-20T22:41:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2726"},"modified":"2012-04-20T17:41:25","modified_gmt":"2012-04-20T22:41:25","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-42012","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2726","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 4\/20\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another Friday, another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram): <\/em>Not a bad week coming up.\u00a0 Your biggest concern is cutting your tongue while licking your knife clean at the fancy restaurant you’re going to on Wednesday.\u00a0 Try not to bleed on the linens.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0Good news Bad news – this week, you will finally find\u00a0enough courage\u00a0in that bottle to ask\u00a0your sweetie to marry you.\u00a0 The answer will be no.\u00a0 Back to the bottle, and despair.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Mycoplasma Gallisepticum.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):<\/em>\u00a0 You will spend the week making up for lost time in bed, resting.\u00a0 Yeah, that’s what they call it these days.\u00a0 Resting.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This will be a good week for watching the Hunger Games again, then re-reading the book and noting the differences.\u00a0 Try not to slip into the madness there; you’ll never come out.\u00a0 Next, you’ll be casting the movies yourself, and that is the path to insanity and despair.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Orange Sugarcane Rust.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0 You know you’re not supposed to do that with those cans of compressed air, right?\u00a0 Not a healthy habit, and this is week to break it.\u00a0 Just say no.\u00a0 Be strong.\u00a0 Join a support group.\u00a0 You can beat this.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This week you’re going to hell, you’re going to the races, and you’re going to\u00a0lose anyway.\u00a0 May as well go with a bang.\u00a0 Tuesday will be nice if you buy a present for a Sagittarius. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Pineapple Sugarcane Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em> You’re going to have a Dale Carnegie kind of week, in that people will try to win and influence you.\u00a0 Stick to your guns – your weird old guns.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion): <\/em>This is a great week for reading quietly and\u00a0pretending you can’t hear those noises upstairs.\u00a0 Her name isn’t\u00a0Luka, and you probably shouldn’t ask. \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Plague.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer): <\/em>This is a good week to smack the HR person who makes life so miserable.\u00a0 It won’t help in the long run, but you’ll feel better when you hear the cheers from the cubicles around you!<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat): <\/em>.\u00a0\u00a0This week you will need to remember\u00a0the lessons your old scoutmaster taught you:\u00a0 You\u00a0don’t have to outrun the bear.\u00a0 You just have to outrun the Virgo behind you.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Rabbit Hemorrhagic Disease.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0 You will go to a steak joint that will rock your world this week, and by your world I mean your wallet.\u00a0 Will it be worth it?\u00a0 Only you and the cow you’re eating can say for sure.\u00a0 Don’t forget to tip your waitress.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish): <\/em>Gemini\u00a0plays a large role in your week this week, as will the exercise of your democratic rights.\u00a0 Monday’s not a good day for buying books, stay home instead.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Rabies.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2726"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2726"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2726\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2757,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2726\/revisions\/2757"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2726"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2726"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2726"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}