{"id":2725,"date":"2012-04-13T14:24:54","date_gmt":"2012-04-13T19:24:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2725"},"modified":"2012-04-13T14:24:54","modified_gmt":"2012-04-13T19:24:54","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-41312","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2725","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 4\/13\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Grab your\u00a0hockey masks, it’s Friday the 13th!\u00a0\u00a0 If you live through the day, this will be another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):<\/em>\u00a0 This is a great week to start that diet, but you won’t, will you?\u00a0\u00a0You’re just going to\u00a0sit there with that box of Oreo cookies and that\u00a0blank look on your face, staring at the goddamn clock on the wall as you eat that whole box, one. By. One.\u00a0 You can’t control the anger\u00a0by eating, but you’ll never learn that.\u00a0\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Leaf & Stripe Rusts.<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):<\/em> You refuse to be categorized the way Jell-O refuses to be nailed to a wall, but this week that will come back to haunt you.\u00a0 If you can’t be included in the demographic data, Ed McMahon will never know where to send your check.\u00a0 Move along, opportunity, move along.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):<\/em> .\u00a0Your week will include long bouts of self evaluation and require large quantities of adult beverages.\u00a0 You will coin a new phrase, “the old wire-up-the-nose trick.” \u00a0Your high-risk disease this week: Legionellosis.<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0 <\/em>This is a great week to start the next chapter in the steamy fanfic of your life.\u00a0 Your true calling will reveal itself as you tell an old story from a new perspective, brilliantly executed except that no one’s paying you.\u00a0\u00a0 You know, yet.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 This week will be a filbert in a bowl of peanuts, a sour note in the bath, the off-tone you can’t identify as your fax machines dials again and again, never to connect.\u00a0 Stay away from pushpins and thumbtacks on Wednesday.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week: Lumpy Skin Disease.<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0 <\/em>All around the world, statues are crumbling.\u00a0 For you.\u00a0 You bastard.\u00a0 Stay away from Facebook this week, that shit’ll kill ya.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0On\u00a0Tuesday, you will\u00a0eat a potato and you will be happy about it.\u00a0 Wednesday, realize that was the french fried potato of your soul, and despair.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week: Measles.<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):\u00a0<\/em> Try to fart less this week, it’s not as attractive as you think.\u00a0\u00a0Your escape lies in\u00a0education, but your education is never complete.\u00a0\u00a0Your lucky number this week is 57,005.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0 This week, you are an ice queen Hello Kitty, nice to look at and deadly to touch.\u00a0 The throngs will worship at your five-inch spike heels in vain.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Turtle Ranavirus.<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):<\/em>\u00a0 You will be held directly responsible this week for North Korea’s botched rocket launch, the recent series of earthquakes, and the disappearance of 90% of the honeybees in the world.\u00a0 Nice going, asshole.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0It wasn’t a dream, no matter how much you wish it was.\u00a0 Start updating your resume and honing your interview techniques, because\u00a0practicing your pickup lines on your\u00a0supervisor’s underage daughter\u00a0will prove to be a career limiting move.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week: Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus.<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish):\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em>Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button, nobody puts Baby in the corner, and nobody thinks that<\/strong> tie goes with that<\/strong> shirt.\u00a0 You are a fashion nightmare and this week, you will prove it!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astroillogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2725"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2725"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2725\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2739,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2725\/revisions\/2739"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2725"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2725"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2725"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}