{"id":2715,"date":"2012-04-06T15:04:14","date_gmt":"2012-04-06T20:04:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2715"},"modified":"2012-04-06T15:19:58","modified_gmt":"2012-04-06T20:19:58","slug":"the-hobbesian-horoscope-4612","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/?p=2715","title":{"rendered":"The Hobbesian Horoscope, 4\/6\/12"},"content":{"rendered":"

Another Friday, and Good Friday to you!\u00a0 Here’s another chance to catch up with your own personal astrological future. Your upcoming Easter and Passover week will be poor, nasty, brutish, and short – but don’t let it get you down! \u00a0Read on!<\/p>\n

\"Aries\"Aries (The Ram):\u00a0 <\/em>This week you will celebrate passing the tests to get your commercial realtor’s license by going out and buying a shiny new pair of bright red shoes.\u00a0 This will prove all the more ironic when that house falls on you afterward, leaving only your feet sticking out.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Taurus\"Taurus (The Bull):\u00a0 <\/em>All your best guesses will be wrong this week, your aim will be off, and your\u00a0cakes and souffles will fall.\u00a0 Tuesday looks good for a low carb snack.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Hantavirus.<\/p>\n

\"GeminiGemini (The Twins):<\/em>\u00a0 You should consider surgery, therapy, and astrology, not necessarily in that order.\u00a0 Pisces will play a big role in your sex life this week.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"CancerCancer (The Crab):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>You will get a new job offer soon.\u00a0 This week, you will need to bone up on your interviewing skills.\u00a0 For instance, telling your interviewer\u00a0“Any time, any day, my snipers can drop you,”\u00a0might have had a negative impact on your last interview.\u00a0\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Hepatitis.<\/p>\n

\"Leo\"Leo (The Lion):<\/em>\u00a0 This week will be\u00a0an emotional desert, a wasteland.\u00a0\u00a0You will be at the bottom of your own personal org chart, the nadir, the lowest rung.\u00a0 Think about self-promotion, and despair.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"VirgoVirgo (The Virgin):\u00a0 <\/em>Consider your collections this week.\u00a0 Do you really need another small stuffed plush toy of one of the Powerpuff Girls?\u00a0 Maybe you do – only you can say.\u00a0\u00a0Blossom may be smart, but Buttercup is Hard. Core. Bitch. \u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Anthrax.<\/p>\n

\"Libra\"Libra (The Scale):<\/em>\u00a0 Your only hope of surviving this week is to get in the fountain, naked, and bath yourself in the cold water of shame.\u00a0 Doesn’t matter, any fountain.\u00a0 No, not just your underpants – all of it.\u00a0 Yes!\u00a0 Just get in, ya sissy.\u00a0 Oh, shut up, it’s not that cold.\u00a0 I don’t care.\u00a0 Now, do you feel the shame?\u00a0 Does it burn?\u00a0 No?\u00a0 Well, you’re doing it wrong.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Scorpio\"Scorpio (The Scorpion):\u00a0<\/em>\u00a0This is a good week for getting back to things, like school.\u00a0 While you might consider stealing your father’s cue and making a living playing pool,\u00a0this is contraindicated at this time.\u00a0 Hit the books before you hit the\u00a0rails.\u00a0Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Kyasanur Forest Disease.<\/p>\n

\"SagittariusSagittarius (The Archer):\u00a0<\/em>Social media and alcohol are\u00a0your best outlets for the muse that wants to blossom within you.\u00a0 This is your week for fanfic.\u00a0 This is your week for chick-lit.\u00a0 Consider the confluence of Hello Kitty, Scarlett O’Hara, and Internet Rule 34.\u00a0 Live the dream.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Capricorn\"Capricorn (The Sea-Goat):\u00a0\u00a0<\/em>You want a pony, but your argument is invalid.\u00a0 You can’t reproduce your results, and you will not be getting a pony this week.\u00a0 You’ll be lucky to find a beer.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Late Blight.<\/p>\n

\"Aquarius\"Aquarius (The Water Bearer):<\/em>\u00a0 This Sunday, find an Easter flower and pluck it.\u00a0 Monday, think of the meaning of the flower.\u00a0 It is your desert rose, your late-blooming moonchild, the seawater in your veins, and the tide is coming in.\u00a0 \u00a0There, now practice those lines until you can say them well enough to get laid after a good meal at a French restaurant.\u00a0 You’re welcome.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Pisces\"Pisces (The Fish): \u00a0<\/em>This week, you will become tangentially and glancingly involving in a police investigation.\u00a0 For murder.\u00a0 Your near-complete lack of involvement will not prevent you from\u00a0becoming obsessed with the idea, the case,\u00a0and the\u00a0highly unlikely series of unfortunate events that will lead Officer Olaf\u00a0back to you.\u00a0 Keep your movie stubs.\u00a0 Your high-risk disease this week:\u00a0 Urogenital Chlamydia.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Big Ugly Horoscope. Catch up with your own personal astro-illogical future for the weekend and next week – your daily dose of destiny under your sign.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[54],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2715"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2715"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2715\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2723,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2715\/revisions\/2723"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2715"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2715"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.biguglymandoll.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2715"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}